I do quite enjoy speaking into a recording device. It mimics speaking to humans.
In a sense, humans are imperfect recording devices.

There’s a certain flow that can show up in conversations with others that I find to be quite pleasing.

When what I share reaches someone deeply and then they respond from their own depths. And back and forth, with a little bit of play thrown in for good measure.

At some point, the connection itself starts speaking more so than either individual.

Unique expression that could only come through in that particular pair in that particular moment in spacetime. You look back on such conversations and label them insightful.

I have found recently that the same flavor of insights can flow through when I get in the flow of speaking into a recording device.

The key to get to such a flow seems to be letting go of shame.

Oh, has it been a long journey of letting go of shame to allow for alive expression.

Shame stifles expression. It does so by bending the spine.

After this long journey of letting go of my shame, I find myself at a place where I take responsibility to not have shame bend spines in my surroundings.

It is quite the battle we are in, together, against the forces of Shame. A battle fought within me, in another and in between us.

Over the past couple of years, I gained awareness of how much I had steeped into Americanism and how that was a significant aspect of my spiritual healing journey.

I have begun to really value freedom and agency. I want everyone to maintain consistent access to the fullness of their freedom and agency. Which is what has birthed this orientation of being on the watch for attacks from the forces of Shame.

Prior to fully stepping up to this battle in relationship, I experienced episode after episode of heartbreak of a very particular flavor. I had become really good at evoking Eros in the bodies of women I connected with, but oblivious to their access to their agency. It led to many circumstances where I’d connect quite intimately with someone only to later realize that the woman had succumbed to a shameful voice telling her that she couldn’t say No, only to regret it later.

Oof was it painful to experience that kind of post-intimacy regret! Nothing worse! I’d rather have my grandfather’s cock in my ass again than experience post-intimacy regret in a lover (which is just a poetic way of expressing that my trauma gets triggered immensely in such a scenario).

While such episodes were recurring in my life, I would find it burdensome to say a particular phrase to a woman, that now finds free flow in my languaging. I will reveal shortly what this phrase is. But while I found it burdensome to utter, there was a shaming voice in my head telling me that I’d be disrespecting her by assuming that she wasn’t connected to the fullness of her agency.

Looking back, I was dogmatically attached to a particular Idea: that everyone is individually responsible for maintaining connection to their own agency. Perhaps this was a facet of the season of my life where I was appreciating Americanism and its impact on my healing journey?

But while I was so dogmatic about not allowing this phrase to be uttered because of this Idea, I would miss out on very tender moments where people actually weren’t connected to the fullness of their agency.

Then my heart opened as my connection to Jesus drained my heart of hatred.

And oof, I could feel how tender these moments were! Especially when I’m softening in the presence of a woman I’m drawn to. Oof, so tender, to see her forget for a moment that she has full agency! And in that heart tenderness, I have noticed these words just gush out of my mouth before my dogmatic mind could step in…

Whoosh.

It feels so soft and intimate to express that to any human, let alone a woman I’m drawn to.

A year and a half ago, I did not have this form of language in my speech because I was adamant about not treating another human being as if they did not have full connection to their agency. It felt righteous then. But on the shadow side of it, I was afraid of losing opportunities of physical intimacy if I reminded a woman that she needn’t respond to my approach or invite. That she had other choices.

I have since noticed how distinct of an impact it has on a woman to hear those words when they want to flutter out of my heart. When I truly mean it.

No pressure, sweetie. I’d like for you to come over, but of course you don’t have to, you know. We could just chit-chat here.

This expression feels truthful to me, now. Before, when I had resistance to say it, I was pursuing non-sexual experiences with women in the hope of having sex later. So it did not feel true that “we could just chit-chat here”.

Because I was being inauthentic, I would succumb to an inner shaming voice that said—”she knows that already, you don’t need to tell her that. She has as much connection to her agency as you do.”

I have since learnt that this inner voice was lying at times. Perhaps all the time? Because in some moments, she has actually forgotten her connection to her agency. In those moments, the words want to flutter out of my heart quite naturally. And truthfully. It is in service of establishing truth that the words “no rush, sweetheart” emerge out of me. And I have allowed them to flutter out rather than stifling my expression because of what this voice would say.

Those have been some of the most tender moments I have experienced in connection with women. So beautiful.

When a woman is uncertain of how she is allowed to respond to a particular invite, to be able to offer her clarity.

I still enjoy your company, even if you don’t want to kiss me right now. Your lips are quite inviting but we don’t need to go there if you don’t want to.

A brother who helped me break through barriers in approaching women out on the streets once said—”You know, our work as men is to just invite and then remind women that they can decline the invites.”

It is absolutely okay to decline invites! All of us know that logically speaking and yet in some tender moments, people forget.

It’s okay to decline invites, love. It helps me get to know you better, what you like and what you don’t like.

Now underneath this newfound capacity to remind a lady of all alternatives when she might be forgetting, is a foundational shift in approaching a woman only to the extent that there is a desire to get to know her better.

Before I had this internal reorientation, I was approaching a woman only driven by my attraction to her. Now I notice that my approach is tempered by my desire to get to know her better.

Long before this shift happened, my categorical mind had no intersection between “women I’m attracted to” and “people I want to get to know better”. Looking back, it’d be truthful to diagnose that as some form of lust objectification-driven internalized misogyny. If you had presented or (worse) attacked me with such a diagnosis, I might probably have felt defensive.

In truth, there has always been an intersection. It is just that I wasn’t attuned to it.

I have learnt now that I carry a bud of desire to get to know any human. Temple Arts culture taught me how to tune into that bud and move in alignment with how it grows and diminishes.

I have a desire to get to know someone. I act on it. It feels satiated. Then I take space.

Digest.

Then I notice the desire again! When I get caught up in lust, there is no honoring of the satiation and the desire to take space and digest.

So the category of “people I want to get to know better” isn’t as rigid as I thought it was.

So yes, now this linguistic form comes through very naturally in how I language. I had a lot of resistance to it before, but in the tenderizing of my heart this past year, all that resistance has dissipated.

I, myself, feel so relaxed when these words emerge through me in the context of a romantic connection. And it is quite the treasured experience to witness a woman go from tension into release as these words reach her when she needs to hear them.

It is really the same form of soothing pleasure that I might experience when a woman orgasms in my presence, because that also is a movement from tension to release.

A honey bee likes drinking nectar from a flower.

The flower doesn’t rush to provide it. It takes its time to bloom.

Nor does the honey bee keep texting “you up?” to the flower hoping that it’d bloom quicker.

The flower takes its own time to bloom.

The honey bee is patient. While the flower is still a bud, the bee goes about its life. Following its own dharma.

The honey bee knows that it wants to drink nectar from the flower. It is not denying its desire. And yet, it does not need a particular fulfillment of its desire by a particular deadline in spacetime.

Desires that need to be fulfilled by a particular deadline are not true. Allow such desires to dissipate from your being.

When the flower is in full bloom, it offers its nectar fully.

The honey bee is okay with a particular bud never blooming. The honey bee knows there are plenty of flowers to drink nectar from.

That is the state of erotic abundance.

You will be attracted to many women. Many of the women you are attracted to, will also be attracted to you. Many of the women you are attracted to, won’t be attracted to you. Many of the women who are attracted to you, you won’t be attracted to them.

Underneath a mindset of sexual abundance, is the easeful life of not needing release. Never needing release.

To realize this, I first needed to realize that what I thought was release was not the only mode of release.

Ejaculation, tears, yawning, dizziness, shaking—are all different modes of release.

I may choose to release via ejaculation and enjoy the pleasure of it, but my need for release can utilize a variety of strategies.

A life where all uses of the cock lead to ejaculation, is NOT the right use of the cock.

The cock is not made for ejaculative release. You could use it for ejaculative release but best to be judicious about it. If you are not judicious about it, you may never experience the other life-giving uses of the cock.

Imagine you had investments that were generating returns that supported your life. Now you could buy that Italian sports car and drive it around and spray dollar bills out of your hands into the night air.

You could do that.

But at some point, the instinct to do that may be satiated. The Heavenly Father might give you the wisdom to release your identification with that particular desire. And then perhaps, you’d want be judicious. You might look at the economics of what gives you a good bang for your buck. Sure, the bang of the nitrous thrust of your engine is one flavor of a bang, but you’d notice that’s not the only bang that feels pleasurable. You may be drawn to studying the energetics of business and monetary flow. Understand how flirting with the risk of bankruptcy in a new venture gives you a very different kind of thrill.

Once you release the cock from its 9-5 corporate wage labor of ejaculative release, you allow it to flourish into creativity.

Once you stop masturbating to women, women will masturbate to you.

In the battle of Lust, if you learn how to unhook yourself, Lust will hook women to you. Better that they masturbate to you, than you masturbate to them, no?

Track the bang you get for every ejaculative release.

I have noticed two types of bangs—value returns—for my own ejaculative releases. Here, I’m referencing intentional releases, not the natural create and release cycles of sperm in my body in the form of nightfall.

1. To release any leftover erotic hooks from past lovers that I no longer have a connection with
2. To learn about new failure modes in my physioerotic system

Releasing Leftover Erotic Hooks

For most of my life from 8th grade till late 2023, I have found myself susceptible to erotic hooks from visual forms.

Visual forms like pictures of attractive Bollywood actresses, then video pornography, then social media imagery or even raunchy scenes in movies and TV shows. These forms would create arousal in my system—often erections. At some point, my body would demand a release from their oppression in the form of an ejaculative release.

At some point in the season of my life where my Eros was subservient to these varied visual forms, while on a pornographic binge—I can even vividly remember the video—that the true nature of the Desire that had brought me to witnessing a man make love to a beautiful woman, was the passionate heat of lovemaking expressing itself between them. I wanted that for myself instead of just witnessing it on screen.

Once I got into a meaningful relationship where I was very attracted to the woman, on many levels, I allowed myself to prioritize pictures or videos of her over pornography. In hindsight, I hold some regret about the manner in which I collected those. I was too ashamed to say—hey honey, I’m just so enslaved to porn right now and it’d help me get some of my erotic freedom if I could have some videos of us making love instead. Are you open to that?

It helped. I was so in love that even when caught up in lust, I preferred my woman over Internet randos.

Eventually I overcame porn usage fully by late 2023.

In the past couple of years since then, I have used ejaculative release a handful of times to release any erotic hooks to past lovers. Most of the times, I have needed the visual form. Before entering masturbation, at some point, I looked within and struck an agreement with myself—“When we release today, we will also be releasing all hooks to her, yes?”

It worked!

Your seed is powerful currency, my brother. Use it wisely.

Over time, I extended the internal agreement to include deletion of any stored visuals of past lovers and informing them that I had done so.

During my most recent ejaculative release of a past lover, I could feel the longing in my body for her and tried to arouse myself with her pictures. I had met this woman during my touch-averse Christian dating era and had this very unique journey with her of noticing attraction immediately, but intently avoiding touch and regularly removing any erotic hooks, till my heart fluttered open to her. This was quite new for me—to have my heart open up first and then the erotic channels. As such, it didn’t work for me to arouse myself with her pictures. Internally, I celebrated a complete victory over the hookiness of visual forms. And leaned back and imagined being with her. I could feel, in my body, the tender soft-heartedness I felt in her presence plus the depths of desire that her company evoked in me. To laugh together, to watch her eyes twinkle, to feel her heart soften, to share intelligence, to share humor. To dance, once we realized that holding back our desire for each other wasn’t really working. I made love to her thought form. So lovely. It felt almost as good as being with her physically. I felt rejuvenated. I had sought her consent to engage in self-pleasure. I wonder how much that had to do with the rejuvenating aspect of the experience I had—there was no secrecy. No part of my conscience was afraid of her finding out. I needed to do so only once to release her fully from my erotic system and she lives solely now in the tenderness of my heart.

I am reminded of Matthew 5:28—"But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." And I am even more certain now that when you engage in self-pleasure to visual forms or thought forms, you are actually having sex with that person in the energetic space.

The more a man engages in actions where the physics does not match the energetics, the more diseased his physical body gets.

Healing happens in the congruence of physics and energetics. When you make a habit of engaging in physical acts that are incongruent with the corresponding energetics, it causes disease.

There is subtle nuance and open questions in my mind about where the incongruence might start. Is it rooted in consent? Do you need to be physically together? Does it rely on the intention—release vs continued indulgence? Are you incongruent if you are not “married”? I don’t know.

Once the battles are won over the visual forms, a man can notice the bud of arousal towards a woman he is drawn to, approach her while staying centered and thereby not be led by his insatiable thirst.

Release the source of your insatiable thirst to God, my brother. Allow His Grace to cleanse you of all hooks, so that you can just relax in the fountains of Eros that open up in the presence of beauty.

Leaning back and enjoying her, instead of grasping after her. When you are done connecting, leaning further back into your life’s purpose and allowing the Eros to continue flowing in her connection to you.

That is the right directionality of Eros when two are apart. From woman to man. The woman flowing in it, while the man holds steady in his life’s work. But while a man is being pulled hither-thither by visual hooks to which he responds with a regular practice of ejaculative release, right directionality cannot be established.

Exchange the currency of your seed to get freedom from erotic hooks that keep you away from the present, all the opportunities that the present offers and your agency to choose the aligned one.

Tracking Failure Modes in the Physioerotic System

The other use of ejaculatory release has been to offer clarity into where the failure modes lie in my physioerotic system.

Of late, I have felt met in the voracious capacity I carry for erotic exchange. I used to carry a subconscious belief that women don’t like sex. And back then, my reality mirrored that subconscious belief. I don’t carry that anymore and now my reality mirrors this new clarity. Odd how that works.

As I meet women in the fullness of their sexual appetite, I feel called into the next era of my own sexual growth. I call it the era of Sexual Athleticism.

I have explored neo-Tantra now for 8 years. It began with a workshop on group nudity at this adult summer camp I attended for my birthday in 2018. I remember the first practice in that workshop, where the participants got into groups of 5, undressed and noticed each other’s bodies while pretending to be aliens—beings who had no conception of human bodies and thereby no conception of shame. Since then, I have felt blessed to encounter practice after practice that allowed me to release shame and thereby release trauma from my body.

The practices have been lovely but through this journey, I was also introduced to the sexual myths associated with Shiva in tantric mythology. How ironic to have grown up being surrounded by people regularly worshipping his idolized phallus in Parvati’s yoni and to have only become aware of the sexual prowess attributed to him after living in the West! The world is funny.

Sexual Athleticism is a journey towards honing the capacity to sport sexually for eons. Shiva represents the dual capacity to sit still for eons and then, when awoken by the heart devotion of a woman, to sport sexually with her for eons.

I see it as the innate physiology of the Phallus. The capacity that every man innately carries purely on account of having a Phallus.

Practicing bringing stillness via breath to the Phallus, until the Yoni is dripping and begging to be entered, then unlocks the capacity to sport sexually for eons.

When I was in my Christian dating era, I thought one needed to be in a “marriage” to receive God’s Grace for timeless sexual sport. That might still be true depending upon how one defines timeless, but it’s definitely not required for hours of steady fornication. For days? Months? Eons? Perhaps?

What even is a “marriage”? Is it when a middleman (Priest, pandit) utters some unintelligible words in a solemn setting that you’ve spent a lot of money on? Or is it when two hearts meet in an erotic embrace?

In the journey of Sexual Athleticism, one tracks failure points without collapsing in shame about those failure points. Sex is a game. Good athletes focus on tracking their performance, noting where the weak points are and improving them.

Is it my cardiovascular strength that needs improvement? Or perhaps I need to strengthen and bring greater mobility to my lower back? Or bring more release to the psoas and the iliacus? Or is it that I need to embark on the sport at a reasonable daytime hour instead of having my sleep schedule being wrecked by the voracity of her appetite?

Tracking failure modes in sexual athleticism without feeling ashamed requires a regular practice of letting go of shame. Receiving God’s Grace daily to release shame and then ensuring that shame doesn’t creep in through any manipulative courting practices when you meet the woman.

Here’s a failure mode I’m presently tracking for myself. I have noticed that the last 3 ejaculatory releases across 2 women has happened for me when I was letting her ride me while resting on my back. My spine began to slowly relax and losing its aliveness. And I almost experienced what I’d label as an emotional flashback to my pornographic era—witnessing feminine arousal while my cock was being used—both traits of what would happen when I’d watch porn. I could not maintain a steady connection between my cock and my spine and as I watched her go wild, I became more of a spectator than a participant.

So what’s the fix? My bet is that the key is to be able to maintain an active core while being supine. A combination of hip mobility routines, reverse planks and building strength in hip thrusts seems like the solution. Only time and practice will tell if it works! But notice here the very objective shame-free diagnosis of the circumstance that then enables solutioning, once the frame of sexual athleticism is properly adopted.

The bedroom becomes an experiential, experimental playground if you put in energy right from the start to disinvite shame from the connection.

After a good dicking, women go wild when they get to ride. There is something about roaring Feminine aliveness that exposes the edges of Masculine physioerotics. In normier conversations, this is captured in the meme of the “too much”-ness of women. Women carry a lot of wounding around it, and sometimes respond to it by testing a man’s boundaries and then whining about how they are “too much” when a man sets boundaries. I have found that the frame of being together in a spiritual war against Shame seems to allow me space to set boundaries so that I’m not bending my spine and then allowing the fullness of her unwounded expression, which then exposes failure modes in my sexual athleticism.

Feminine flow unleashes within Masculine containment. When a man shames himself for his lack of capacity to handle a chaotic Feminine flow, the containment of the connection breaks down and the woman oscillates between coaching the man and being woeful about not being dicked properly. Choosing the right woman to sport with and creating safety for yourself and for her—safety from the creep of Shame—sets the foundation for a connection where there is room to expose failure modes and work on them.

In such a scenario, I can track patterns of where I fall short and introduce physical training to make amends for those patterns. Instead of getting caught up in shame spirals and being frozen in broken patterns.

The stronger a masculine body gets and the better its posture and gait get, a man naturally becomes more attractive. Such attractiveness is just a signal for his capacity for Sexual Athleticism.

But at the heart of it, is the ability to be a spiritual warrior against Shame, within himself and the woman he is courting.

That is the true foundation of Sexual Athleticism.