Edit: I wrote this essay during a season of my life where I was trying out Christian dogma. In hindsight, the contradiction of what I claimed about marriage as essential for sexual marathons and how I actually achieved it outside of marriage is abundantly visible. It wasn’t visible to me back when I wrote it. I have struck through the lines that are not true—as in not in line with my direct experience of this phenomenon.

I’ve been hinting at this subject in my recent essays, and I’m finally ready to speak about it directly—to get into the real, technical details.

This essay is about how to last as long as you want in penetrative sex without collapsing into ejaculation—and how to truly experience it as the gift it is.

Sex is a gift from God, meant to be enjoyed fully within the sacred covenant of marriage. Many discover pleasure outside that covenant, and many within it remain trapped in disappointment or disconnection. My prayer is that through this reflection, every man and woman might find the fullness of sexual delight within the sacred bond of marriage.

When penetrative sex is explored properly within that sacred bond, it becomes an immense source of joy and freedom. When you put God at the center of your marriage, invite Him into your heart and develop a relationship with Him in alignment, you can sexually sport with your wife woman eternally in the mythical manners of Shiva.

Last year, I figured it out for myself.

I was in a relationship that lasted four months—the first real opportunity since my life partnership ended in late 2021 that allowed us to explore commitment together with multiple occasions for sexual sport.

Sexual sport. I borrow the term “sexual sport” from Dr. Robert Svoboda, whose work reconnected me to the heart of Hindu mythology. It’s such a gift, what teachers like him have done—bringing fresh Western eyes to Indian healing arts, often with less sexual shame than modern India, yet perhaps more than the myths themselves ever had.

As a side note, the shameless, high-quality lovemaking described in Hindu mythology does make one wonder—were the Hindu deities the same Fallen Angels the Book of Enoch speaks of? The resemblance is uncanny.

Back to the relationship.

In it, I experienced both ends of the sexual spectrum—quick release and marathonic lovemaking. Experiencing both with the same woman was illuminating; it revealed, with striking clarity, what made the difference.

The key difference between the two can be captured in a single word.

Alignment of my mind, heart and cock.

My mind wanted to know: Is this relationship compatible? Do we share a long-term vision? Is it worth investing in?
My heart wanted to know: Do I feel safe and softened in her company?
My cock wanted to know: Do I feel aroused?

When those three were in agreement, I was aligned.

To feel that alignment between the three, I had to learn how to listen to each individually and feel the connection between them together. This, in my view, requires a strong, supple, activated spine. There is a physical component to bringing such alignment to sex. To turn it into a sport.

Collapse vs. Communion

When I met her last year, a lot felt right—our banter kicked off the night we met. The air was thick with romance as she jotted down her phone number for me on a small piece of paper in a beautiful script. A couple of weeks after, we met on the dance floor and absolutely set it on fire.

I have learned now that a combination of verbal and dance chemistry is a great indicator of sexual chemistry. It’s quite the freeing realization, because it allows me to be very celibate in dating while easily soothing the part of me that worries if the sex will be good. It opens up the possibility of cultivating sexual chemistry with a woman without even kissing her. By learning how to communicate better with each other. Make each other feel heard. Explore fun banter. And learning how to partner dance together.

What a freeing realization! If that doesn’t sound freeing to you, my friend, you haven’t yet recognized the burden Lust puts on an enslaved human. Once you introduce sensuality in dating, man and woman start tending towards hiding the truth. Not saying the difficult things. Subtle lies. Lies nevertheless.

That’s what happened between us. The chemistry was top notch. But we weren’t at the same stage of life. When we talked about it, it seemed like we were, because we were permitting soft lies. But time revealed that we were not.

So throughout my relationship with her, I would oscillate between believing that this woman could be my life partner and realizing that there were some fundamental incompatibilities.

When I turned a blind eye to the incompatibilities, I’d feel that alignment momentarily in my being, and I could be in communion for hours.

Then reality would creep in again. The awareness of the falsehood would close my heart, thereby, my erection no longer had sustenance and I’d collapse into a quick spill. This happened enough times for me to track the pattern internally.

From Porn Conditioning to Presence

Those of us who’ve been desensitized by porn often imagine “marathon sex” as endless jackhammering. That is not what I am talking about. The kind of sexual sport I’m talking about is slow, intentional, and deeply attuned. The movements are gentle. The strokes are intentional, really attempting to sync up together. Plenty of breathing. Locking eyes. Kissing. Jackhammering when the moment calls for it.

Conscious range instead of conditioned rigidity.

I met this woman a year after completely divorcing porn. Prior to that, I would have a tendency to go jackhammer far too often. If I’m being completely honest, in those moments I didn’t actually want to be having sex. And I was beginning to lose my erection because I didn’t want to be having sex. I’d panic and react to it with the jackhammer.

This was when I thought that erections are sustained by the sensual friction between cock and pussy.

They are not.

Erections are sustained by your heart, fueled by the seed of Life inside it that connects you to God.

It’s hard to truly synchronize with your partner when you lead with the jackhammer. That isn’t to say it can’t be a valid mode of lovemaking; at times it’s part of what a man should be able to bring when that intensity is genuinely called for. When her pussy genuinely demands it. A long time ago, I remember, that when an ex-lover would ask for it, my body would panic, freeze and shut down in the opposite direction.

Being able to do something well while not needing to do it every time is quite the elevated skill.

Sometimes women are also shaped by porn conditioning and may ask for that kind of intensity. It’s important to learn the difference between her genuine desire and reenactment of a pattern.

“Oh! That’s her responsibility!”

Sure, you could say that, but then you’d be limiting your capacity to develop attunement. A skill that extends beyond the bedroom. For example, when you are giving a speech, “reading the room” is the same skill of attunement.

It’s okay not to give her what she asks for in moments where you are unclear if it is a true desire. It’s okay to pause and ask her—is this what you really want? Or not pause and ask her—oh yeah, you want that?

Holding back can deepen the charge. Many women go quite crazy in a good way when you don’t give them what they want immediately but still acknowledge what they have expressed playfully.

My brother, in sex and in life, only do things when you really want to do them. That is the true source of turn-on for your woman. But more importantly, you deserve that freedom. God gifted that to you when He stitched you in your mother’s womb.

Learning to sustain an erection through the varied rhythms of lovemaking—naturally, without pills—begins with learning to keep the heart soft, open, and devoted.

The Waters

When my heart is open and soft, my phallus feels less like a separate organ and more like an extension of my spine. It can be difficult to describe these inner somatic experiences and yet this is the best language I have found to talk about it.

To keep the heart soft, a man must be willing to cry. Tears keep the heart open. When grief rises and you allow it through, you stay free. If you resist it, the heart seizes. What is trying to leave you through tears will then find exit through the release of your seed.

In this light, sex can be, should be and is a deeply healing gift from God. It brings old wounds to the surface, itching to leave the body—either through tears, through an open crown or ejaculation. Tears and crown release are upward releases. Ejaculation is a downward release—thereby, not a release, but a continuation of the wounded pattern as it now gets tied with the thrill of an orgasm.

If you can pause and let the tears move, you heal. And more importantly for the theme of this essay, you don’t have to fight refractory periods.

So practice saying no to the shame that creeps in when you feel tears rising. There’s often a wave of embarrassment that comes when grief moves up into the eyes—but learning to reject that shame is one of the simplest and most powerful ways to accelerate your healing.

Your healing doesn’t have to be a long, drawn-out process of endless therapy, retreats, and workshops that either drain your bank account or turn you into someone guiding others through the same never-ending maze. It can be much simpler. To short-circuit the healing journey, say no to Shame and Temptation—the two main tools of Satan.

Good vs. Evil

Some of you may not believe Satan is a real being, and that’s fine. Think of Satan as a personification of the forces of evil. Most of us can agree that within each of us there’s a battle between good and evil. You can think of the good as God and the forces of evil as Satan.

For me, these exist as real beings—not material, but real nonetheless. Satan’s two favorite tools are shame and temptation, and they work hand in hand. Temptation lures you toward a hollow pleasure, and when that pleasure fades, shame follows right behind it. They’re both threads pulled by the same hand.

So practice, in private and in public—with your woman, your friends, even on social media—letting tears come. Let yourself feel the beauty of them. Don’t hide or apologize. If you’re with a woman who feels uneasy seeing a man cry, talk about it. Let her know that your ability to feel and release emotion is essential to the depth of your intimacy. Help create that shared safety so that both of you can cry in front of each other, free from the shame that evil tries to seed between you.

Practice crying.

And as you cry, hold yourself upright—steady in your spine, rooted in your posture. It’s a real skill to weep without collapsing into self-pity. Don’t fold your chest inward or curl into a fetal position. That holds it in.

Instead, open your heart, lift your chest, let your arms spread wide. Cry like a warrior who has been defeated and is surrendering—not to an enemy, but to God. You weep as an act of devotion, not despair.

In that posture, you begin to release wounds that live deep in the body. Because it isn’t only your own pain you carry—the woman you are with likely holds her share of past wounding too. We live in a time when women are only beginning to reclaim full agency over their lives, stepping out from a long history of being passed from father to husband. That legacy still echoes across the world.

When two people connect intimately, that history surfaces. If you’re not practiced in allowing tears, that surfacing can feel overwhelming. You might panic in the face of it, your heart might seize, and in that constriction you’ll either go soft or release your seed quickly. Then, instead of addressing the root, you may spend years and thousands of dollars chasing physical fixes—temporary chemical solutions that numb rather than heal.

The tragedy is that each shortcut erodes something sacred. The body, meant to be a temple, becomes treated as machinery. True healing begins not with pills or performance, but with surrender—with the spine steady, the chest open, and the heart given back to God.

The Fire

Perhaps some of you reading this might think, “I’m already connected to my tears. That’s not quite it.”

If that’s where you are, then maybe your work lies elsewhere. Perhaps you’re already in touch with the Waters within you—now it’s time to connect with your Fire.

Many men today are quietly shamed out of their fire by the currents of Western feminist culture. Without realizing it, they take on the burden of collective misandry—absorbing subtle jokes about “male ego,” which is often nothing more than masculine tenderness struggling to find expression. They’re mocked for sitting with their legs apart on the subway—“manspreading!”—as though a man at ease in his own body is something to be scolded for.

There’s understandable anger in modern feminism. For centuries, women have lived under oppression. But instead of processing that anger, much of it has been redirected at men. And men—especially those eager to prove they’re “good”—often bottle up their own energy in performative allyship. They become agreeable, cautious, careful not to offend, and in the process lose touch with the animal fire that makes them feel alive.

Meanwhile, their women—starved of that fire—turn to fantasies that mirror what’s missing, devouring Fifty Shades of Grey after a session of “heart-centered” lovemaking. So for these men, the next step may not be more tenderness. It may be rage. To allow themselves to feel it, to know that it exists, and to discover that it isn’t something to fear. Rage can be released. It’s simply energy—intense, volatile, but ephemeral.

There are ways to access it safely. Physical practice helps: martial arts, breathwork, even primal movement. These teach you to hold the charge of rage in your body, to contain it rather than scatter it. Because almost always—without exception—beneath rage lies grief. The trigger in the present is rarely the real source. Even if it’s a politician, a lover, or a stranger on the internet, what’s really being stirred are past wounds that never got to breathe.

You can spend your life yelling at people in the present, or you can start seeing God in them—the same seed that lives in you. That realization redirects the rage away from others and into transformation.

One of the most profound moments in my own journey of reclaiming rage was noticing how good it felt to feel rage moving through me. For men who have been cut off from that energy, rage feels like resurrection. The key is to feel the fire without attaching it to the trigger. To notice the heat rising, to breathe into it, to even give thanks to the trigger that reminded you that you are still alive.

When you do that, rage transforms into fire—clean, vital, creative fire. It feels good. It reminds you that you exist.

Isolation

But there’s a challenge that follows. When you grow comfortable with that fire, others might not be. Most people can’t tell how much containment you have once it ignites. They only feel the blaze and wonder whether it will burn them. So there’s a season of isolation that might follow—an initiation of sorts.

That isolation is not punishment; it’s purification. Learning to enjoy your own fire without needing to discharge it on anyone else. In the quiet, the flames begin to settle. And beneath them, the waters return.

Those waters are grief. Old grief. Generational grief. It rises gently after the fire has burned clean. And the practice then is to hold yourself through it—to literally wrap your arms around your body and soothe yourself. If you have a connection with God, call out to Him. If you don’t, develop it. Ask Him to hold you. No one can comfort you as deeply as God can.

Your wife, your mother, your father, your therapist—they can all offer warmth, but only God’s embrace reaches the deepest wound.

Containment

And that is the journey of masculine containment: learning to hold the fire so it doesn’t lash out, to let it pass through your body until it settles into water, and then to channel the release of that water without drowning in it.

To release the fire cleanly, to weep the grief fully, and to remain steady through both—that’s the practice. If you can master rage and grief, your heart will stay soft.

And once you’ve tasted the softness of a heart that stays open even through the storm, you won’t want to go back.

If you haven’t known that softness yet, imagine the feeling you had in the first flush of love—the warmth, the safety, the awe you felt with the most beautiful woman you’ve ever known, before any wounding crept in. It’s that same feeling—but available all the time, without needing anyone else to evoke it.

You’ll still have moments of tightening, of seizing up, but you’ll learn how to return. Over time, you’ll get so practiced at it that you can bring a woman there too.

That’s the true gift you can offer through sexual intimacy: to lead her into that soft-hearted space where both of you remember what you are made of. Women have access to that softness naturally, but they also carry generations of hurt around men. When you can hold her until that melts, the connection that unfolds between you is unlike anything else.

That’s when the Genesis mystery of “flesh of my flesh, bone of my bones” begins to reveal itself—not as scriptural poetry, but as lived somatic experience.

Training the Body for God

I’ve spoken a lot about the emotional body and how to work with that as a man to get to this place where your heart can fuel your erection well. The flip side of this, which I have since experienced, is that if my heart isn’t open, I can’t feel aroused. I imagine other men go through this too, but heartbreakingly, because they can’t speak to the anatomy of what’s going on inside them, they get diagnosed with “erectile dysfunction.” But really, their hearts weren’t ready to be naked and attempting intercourse with the woman. This can happen even if you have known the woman for decades in a supportive marriage. It’s okay for men to not want sex! If only they knew!

Now to do these things I’m describing, to be able to not collapse in grief and yet not be forced to hold it in, to be able to feel the fire within you and let it blaze through you without leaking it onto anyone, you’re going to have to work on your physical body. There’s just no other way around it.

I am open to be proven wrong on this by people who haven’t really worked on their physical mobility and strength, who can go for hours without taking any substances.

This year of diving into Christ, into Christianity, and learning how to follow Him better has honestly been a repeated reminder of the two main commands from the New Testament: love God, and love every human remembering that they are made in the image of God.

God has revealed to me again and again how many judgments come up in my analytical mind—judgments that disconnect me from the humans around me and from the Godly essence in them. And yeah, there’s some shame in revealing this, but I’ve held a lot of different biases. I’m still working through many of these, and I’ve really felt them melt away the more I steep myself in the Holy Spirit.

Unexpected Teachers

One of the biases I held was around what a teacher or an accomplished practitioner looks like.

Yesterday, I saw a video from a man who exemplifies the negative of the bias. The bias feels like a whisper now—it doesn’t hold the same weight. This man, a Black guy from the hood with his pants hanging low, was talking about how to have sex properly. I watched the whole thing and thought, “Wow, bro is spot on!” It was a video about sex, and he used his own language, his own way of speaking, and he boiled it all down so clearly.

And in a way, watching that video reminded me of the cultural meme—once you go Black, you don’t go back. It made me realize how our biases can keep us blind to obvious truths. If that meme is so widespread, then of course a man who looks like that might be one of the best sources of embodied sexual wisdom.

The key takeaway from the video was this: the positions most of us have gotten used to having sex in just aren’t built for the kind of marathonic copulation I’m talking about. It’s hard to keep your spine activated and your energy flowing upward in those positions—and just as importantly, to have a longer range of pendulation and clearer control over the direction of penetration.

Squats, Splits, and Spiritual Strength

A year ago, when I had my breakthrough, I wrote an essay about this in the throes of jubilation. The jubilation of discovering that I could go on for what felt like eternity with this woman who really knew how to soften my heart and simultaneously, make me go wild with sexual desire. It was titled Squats, Splits, Lunges and Penetration, a follow up to Find yourself a Woman who can Milk you Dry. As you can tell from the colorful names, I was quite ecstatic.

When I had sex with her, I would often squat and lunge into her. My feet were planted firmly on the ground, and that planting of the feet, I noticed, really activated the back chain of my body. It felt like my spine was hooking into the Earth, drawing up grounding through my feet.

“How on Earth did you think of squatting and lunging into her, Vighnesh?”

Valid question.

After years of exploring movement in Ecstatic Dance, I had really begun tapping into how joyous it feels to expand the range of movement you can do and bring greater strength, control and mobility to that range of movement. Now through my Ecstatic Dance and Muay Thai journey, my past ACL injury plagued me. My knee would keep popping out of the socket when I landed heavily on my left leg. So I decided to take a break from explosive movements and focused on strength and mobility training. I started doing the Knees over Toes routine and noticed how much I liked the experience of regaining the full range and strength of my knee joint. Over time, I started training Bulgarian Split Squats, which I have raved about in the past. And added other mobility trainings to my fitness regime.

Then one day, I was walking around in Goodwill (or perhaps it was ReStore) and I got myself a copy of a pictorial Kama Sutra. Flipping through it, I noticed a similarity in the postures that the book recommended and what I was training for strength and mobility.

The Venus Flytrap

By then, I had already opened myself up to the reality of what I call the cavernously, dripping pussy. If you work properly on your woman’s body to awaken Eros in her, the pussy turns into a wildly alive beast of its own accord. There are innumerable erogenous zones in it and with some amount of exploration, you’ll realize that you need to orient in different directions with your fingers to reach all the varied zones.

Now, the key piece to understand here is that there are innumerable erogenous zones outside of the pussy. All over a woman’s body. Learn how to really enjoy getting to know her body when you are exploring intimacy, instead of diving straight for the pussy. Here it is helpful if you have cultivated a practice for yourself where you can experience great pleasure from other parts of your body than just your cock. Where you can experience pleasure from activities other than masturbation.

When you do get to the pussy, be slow and reverent. Massage outside the lips first and then slowly move towards the entry. By this point, the pussy should be motioning you in. Quite literally, a well aroused pussy will bloom forward and try to pull your finger in. If you are unsure, just hold your finger at the entrance long enough and you’ll meet this very—shall we call it carnivorous?—nature of the Yoni. Like the Venus flytrap, she opens outward, drawing in and devouring anything unfortunate enough to wander near.

Gradually, she becomes cavernous inside. All of us know that a woman’s vagina has this capacity because women give birth! But it’s quite the experience to meet the caverns for the very first time. Once you experience this, it’s but natural to want to stroke all the different parts in many different angles. First with your hands. Then with your cock. An initiated woman likely knows these different parts already. Talk to her about it. Once you develop an intention to want to stroke your woman in different directions with your cock, there starts the journey for different sexual postures. A very different manner of getting there as compared to wanting to mimic what you’ve watched in porn.

Hence, the strength and mobility work.

The Released Belly and the Horse Stance

If you’ve ever done any kind of sacred masculine training, Neo-Tantra, or even Wim Hof work, you may have encountered the Horse Stance already—feet planted firmly, knees unlocked and belly released. Bring the Horse Stance wherever you go, and you’ll learn how to gallop with her across the Sahara.

A released belly! Oh, the joy of a released belly! If you’re used to holding back tears and can’t cry easily, you don’t know the joy of a released belly. The lower belly holds a past unprocessed wounding. Any demons that may inhabit you, live there. Demanding more food than your body needs. If you are unwilling to see them and release them, your belly will tighten so your breath can’t bring your awareness there. To really feel the joy of a released belly, you’ll have to look at some of the horrific stuff. But it feels so good. Oh my God, it feels so good to experience a released belly. To complicate things further, as men start their physical fitness journey, the social conditioning of wanting a 6-pack can further tighten the belly. Oh, I pray for you to experience a released belly.

In a horse stance, your feet are planted forward, your knees loose. That’s something they also teach you in swing dance, partner dance, martial arts—to never lock your knees. Men who aren’t used to crying, who are afraid of their past wounding, live with a locked body. Tight belly, locked knees. The body is scared of release because release means confrontation. So it locks everything up.

But when you practice these stances, when your body loosens, your pelvis hangs from your spine instead of being tweaked backward, and that starts to release the sphincter—which, if you deal with anxiety or depression, is crucial. You’re literally anal retentive if you don’t know how to release that muscle.

Sex as Sport

When your feet are planted, your spine activates. And the two positions that allow that pendulum motion while keeping you grounded are the squat and the lunge. Then sex turns into sport.

So practice squatting all the way down—it might take time before you can sit comfortably in a squat, but this isn’t an advanced skill. It’s what we’re built to do.

Train your knees to unhinge gradually and stand up, to develop greater control on the pendulating movement. If you’ve scrolled fitness social media, you’ve probably seen it: full-depth squats, controlled rises. It doesn’t take much strength to lift yourself up and down again with control—just knee health and mobility.

Learn how to lunge back and forth in a controlled manner. The Knees Over Toes guy is a great resource. Bulgarian squats are great too.

Gradually your hips will start loosening up. Strengthen them with weighted hip thrusts in the gym. What they are holding will want to be seen and released. Don’t be afraid of it. Each of us now has the full grace of God, freely given through the crucifixion and resurrection of His Son, Jesus Christ. You just need to ask for that grace, believe in the resurrection, and your body will unlock. It might feel scary at first. You might cry in ways you never have before. But trust it—whatever is leaving is meant to leave so you can live freer.

And boy, will you glorify God with the sex you have!

You can have sex in the typical positions too, just periodically switch through positions that allow your spine to light up when you feel the heart fuel dropping.

Then you can sit back and watch her go wild. And if you practice building resistance to temptation, unfollowing thirst traps on Instagram, quitting porn, even learning how to retrieve yourself from lustful dreams, praying to God for release from lust demons—Lust can no longer hook you. So even as she goes wild, you don’t collapse into a shuddering lust-enslaved boy ready to spill. Your breath, the gift of Life from God, overcomes all downward pulls.

You stay rooted. You can witness it, enjoy it, and stay anchored in your spine. You pause when you want to. My brother, you know, you’re the King in the bedroom—you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. And the things your woman wants, you can do those at your own pace. Ask her about them. Tease her about them.

Take pauses. Kiss in between. Talk in between. Cry in between.

The more you practice that, the more you’ll notice this charged spine phenomenon I’ve described before—a fully charged silverback. I pray that you feel the life-giving nature of sex.