The key to having great sex as a man, from what I’ve learned through direct experience and deep exploration into sacred sexuality, neo-Tantra, and conscious D/S, is this: the ability to simultaneously stroke your woman while breathing her up through your spine.

When a man and woman come together in intercourse, two distinct energetic flows are at play. There’s the downward flow—what the Vedic tradition calls Apana—and there’s the upward flow, Prana. When a man is inside his woman, the stroking of the tip of his spine—his cock—generates Apana, the downward current. To balance this, he must be capable of and focused on breathing the energy upward—up his spine, out his back, through his arms, up his head, and through his crown.

It’s in the tension of these two forces—her pussy drawing his seed downward and his energy moving upward—that real polarity emerges. This is the field where deep pleasure and dissolution happen.

A woman can also breathe up. In fact, that’s how I first learned this. I was with a lover at an ISTA training who introduced me to the practice of running energy up the spine. A woman can and often should hold this awareness too—but there’s something inherent in the feminine that longs to surrender into the downward pull rather than maintain the upward current. Ideally, she initiates her man into drawing energy up through his spine, but for true conjugal bliss, it’s essential that the man take the lead.

Why must he lead? There’s an anatomical and spiritual reason. Dane Rudhyar, one of the great astrologers of the 20th century, wrote beautifully about the human spine—how the erect spine connects the earth to the sky. The root of the spine anchors into the heart of the earth, and the crown opens to the heavens. Enlightenment, in that sense, is when your crown is open, your root is grounded, and energy flows freely between earth and sky.

Because men are anatomically penetrative—they carry the phallus—they represent the active principle that channels this energy upward through union. When man and woman are harmonized, they can ride this current together—from the heart of the earth to the gates of heaven.

For this to happen, a man must be able to breathe deeply and freely, especially in moments of arousal. His breath must move through every part of his body. And that requires a body without kinks—strong, supple, muscular, and at ease.

The best way to develop this, in my view, is through physical strengthening. Learn to breathe fully in moments of resistance. Learn to use your muscles correctly so that when you resist the downward pull of weights—a mirror of resisting the downward pull of Apana—you build the channels that allow energy to rise. You can practice this in a bicep curl, a hack squat, or a Bulgarian split squat. Oh my God, a Bulgarian split squat will force you to open your pelvic floor and build steadiness like nothing else.

Unilateral, asymmetric exercises

—where one part of the body resists another—train you to hold tension consciously. That’s what quality sex is: the ability to hold the tension of opposites.

Trauma, especially early trauma, often teaches the body to split in the face of tension—to dissociate when love and pain appear together. Reclaiming sexual wholeness is about learning to stay connected within yourself when opposites arise. You can practice this when lifting weights, when dancing, and when your woman rides you into ecstasy. If you can hold the tension of the opposites in your body, all your trauma dissolves in the whirling vortex that you create.

A key realization for men here is that the cock is part of the spine. In the physio-spiritual anatomy of the masculine, the spine is the warrior’s sword. Imagine how ridiculous that would be—a man polishing just the tip of his sword and thinking he’s ready for battle. That’s what so many of us have been taught to do with our sexuality.

And honestly, even those neo-Tantric practices that emphasize masturbation or edging? They’re just horribly incomplete. They can be a bridge, but they’re not the destination. True sexual cultivation happens when your whole body is alive and your breath flows freely. At this point, I honestly believe a healthy man doesn’t need a masturbation practice. There are far better ways to train yourself.

If you’re caught in porn use or habitual masturbation, start by learning to breathe up. When arousal builds, breathe up through your spine. Make sounds. Grunt. Grunting opens the lungs and throat. It breaks through barriers in the throat that often reflect emotional holding.

There is nothing that opens up a man’s throat more fully than speaking up what he believes is true—especially in the face of opposition from his lover, his family, or the world. Speaking truth opens the throat, and when your words flow freely, so does your breath.

Then, take your training into the physical world. Go to the gym. Strengthen your body. Improve your mobility. Learn to dance. Study martial arts. Learn to channel fire lovingly when sparring. Learn how to not take the blows they land on your body personally—and then you’ll know how to not be upset with your wife for things she does from her feminine nature. Perhaps even learn how to be grateful for your sparring partner.

That’s the path to great sex. Not a technique, but a way of being. A way of breathing, training, and loving.

I’d love to hear how this lands—for both men and women.