This note will give you a glimpse of how I use the Facebook “friending” model. I used to add everyone I crossed paths with and never delete anyone because I did not want to hurt them – but realized that is not healthy for me or for the world.

My “Friending” System

The question I ask myself to maintain a Facebook “friendship” is – would doing so supplement and enhance my existing relationship with the person? Note the emphasis on “existing” and on “enhance”. This allows for scenarios where I have a wonderful existing relationship with someone which is not enhanced by a Facebook “friendship”.

Having asked that question often enough, I have noticed a desire to add someone or accept someone’s friend request if–

1. We are close friends who regularly stay in touch in–person or on phone or we have an old friendship that involved such regular contact that has not faded away since
2. I just crossed paths with them and I want to message them and ensure that they see my message and it doesn’t get lost in the Messenger requests

Periodically, I go through and “delete” friends so that the few occasions that I find myself doom-scrolling on News Feed, each scroll is extremely meaningful. Note here that Facebook “friends” are also suggested for Events and as “active” Messenger contacts. There are very few people in the world that I’d regularly want to invite to an event I’m going or message them when they are active. And maintaining that small set prevents situations where I’m idly clicking on a rando’s profile and scrolling through their timeline, wasting my time.

I make exceptions for communities that I’m actively involved in – eg. Circling.

Note that this system is what I’ve noticed as I track how I feel and is subject to change.

If we were friends on Facebook and you are feeling upset that I deleted you, please consider messaging me to resolve. If messaging me feels like too much work, then we were probably never that close anyways and it serves us both that we are not bombarded with irrelevant updates about each other’s lives.

If you don’t know me and are considering adding me as a friend here, I’d request you to consider emailing me at [email protected] or DM-ing me on Messenger instead! I’m a very friendly person :)