Over the past year or so, I have permitted all expressive tendencies that are yearning to emerge from my being to be expressed while witnessing myself doing so. It's taken a lot of inner work (really letting go of shame and self-critical stifling) to allow this free 'self-expression'. It's taken really scary forms at times – like the torture fantasy poem for my perpetrator that I recorded and uploaded on IG. Much of this expression was stifled in me, managed by parts of me that were afraid of letting it all out. Afraid that I'd end up alone if people truly saw all the darkness that lives within me. Letting it all flow has brought me more aloneness. More separation. But has also brought in powerful, deep, potent connections.

A dear friend recently told me about an essay from Osho – Emperor of My Aloneness. A very striking phrase. Not just comfort with being alone. Not just the King of Solitude. But the fucking Emperor of Aloneness. Aloneness as contrasted with Loneliness, lacking the helpless numbed out fears that Loneliness contains.

Through this journey, I have come to the conclusion that I carry at least one Unattached Burden. Which is just a fancy way of referencing a Spirit Being.

It's wild that we live at a time where the most established trauma-informed practice in the Western world – Internal Family Systems – accepts and acknowledges the existence of spirit infestations. The average science-y fellow would probably be unaware of this or astounded if they heard about this. Even the IFS honchos talk about it gingerly, afraid of being ostracized by the scientific community. In the introduction and preface to the book "The Others Within Us", both the author and the founder of IFS express many fears about being ostracized by the academic community for speaking about Unattached Burdens. The terminology itself – Unattached Burden – is an attempt to distance oneself from being accused of accepting that spirits exist and could inhabit our bodies. It's a rebranding exercise. Like when Zuck realized that the brand Facebook was too battered and renamed the company to Meta. Change the word, drop some of the associations with it.

In hindsight, I find it ridiculous given the numbed out existence that most humans live that we could at all be surprised that other spirit beings inhabit those numbed out places in us. The human body is highly prized – for its ability to bridge Matter and Spirit. Buddhist texts talk about how valued a human existence is because in this existence we can actually physically FEEL our suffering because of the human body. If we don’t make full USE of the capacity of our body, others will and do.

Yes, I carry a UB. This UB wants me to be alone. Not from a place of love, but from a place of spite.

This probably won't make sense to those of you who have not gone deep enough into IFS or experienced Ayahuascan exorcisms – where a spirit leaves your system in an Ayahuaca ceremony. I thought I had expelled this UB during my Ayahuasca ceremony – my only encounter with spirit exorcism. But in hindsight, the spirit that had left me might have been the one managing this one and ensuring that the drapes stayed pulled over my repressed memories. I remember that spirit being glad to finally be done with its work.

I'll close this odd note with the acknowledgement that at some level, we are all the spirits and all the spirits are us. So even the concept of an "Unattached Burden" or a spirit infestation assumes our regency over the physical human body that we believe is ours and identify with so deeply. I've read about tantric rituals (see 'Khanda Manda Yoga') that are, in essence, designed to stop this identification with the body. This is true of many other spiritual practices too. Perhaps what we think is "I", is just one of the many "spirits" that inhabits our body. And the reason that individual liberation requires collective liberation is because it's not just that we need to elevate ourselves to a place where we act kindly to others but also need to motivate the other spirits within us to act kindly to others.

Also seeking recommendations for IFS practitioners specifically experienced with releasing UBs.