Four years ago, in the summer of 2019, I embarked on an intentional digital fast – shutting out almost all consumption and usage of digital devices and apps.

From the depths of that void¹ was born the spark of a desire, to understand the nature of consciousness ("another fucking theory of consciousness *eyeroll*") specifically via exploration in the intersection of Physics, Buddhism and Astrology.

Back then I thought this would be a momentary side project that'd fizzle out. But I'm happy to share that it continues to thrive through all the chaos & upheaval that the emergence of repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse brought to my life. And was even instrumental in directing the choices I made and my capacity to stabilize myself through objectivity in moments where I was afraid that I was going to lose grasp of reality.

Diving into Buddhism & Astrology brought me closer to Hinduism and Tantra than I ever was – realizing that the Buddha was a Hindu tantric before he became the Buddha, just as Yeshua was Jewish before he became the Christ.

Diving into Physics brought me to Logic and Mathematics (in general). Gödel's phenomenal work. Realizing that Pythagoras, who lives so innocuously in primary school math textbooks, had a fucking mystery school! How many of us have recited

"A2 + B^2 = C^2" without realizing that the guy behind it was a mystic and the formula is more significant than just computing the hypotenuse of a right angled triangle?

Realizing that the slow, steady and global heart of the scientific approach is absolutely essential to ground all the many floating "theories of consciousness" that abound in the world today.

I am reading now about Bernhard Riemann, possibly familiar to those of us who studied (& did not detest) Calculus – Riemann integrals ring a bell?

Riemann's brilliance was in realizing that the geometric properties of space can be determined by examining just one formula – the formula for the infinitesimal 'distance' between neighboring points – which is essentially what Pythagoras Theorem gives us. How wild is that? One simple formula that is the source of *all* geometric properties of space.

If you have studied the mathematical derivation of Special Relativity, you might remember that the key ingredient to that derivation is... drumroll... the Pythagoras Theorem.

Riemann's brilliance wasn't in isolation. He relied on Gauss' work which including an outstanding discovery – that the properties of a space could be determined algebraically from *within* that space, instead of having to be an observer looking from outside the space.

Gauss' brilliance relied on Descartes' outstanding work that created a bridge between Algebra and Geometry by setting up the Cartesian Coordinate system to represent any point from a geometrical space in algebraic form. Prior to Gauss, Euclid had painstakingly proved a large amount of results in Geometry purely by *looking* at shapes. Post Gauss, geometrical results could be proved by manipulating equations.

I have known of all these names through my education, which was honestly as fine a quality that exists in academic systems of today. Pythagoras, Euclid, Gauss, Riemann, Descartes. But the beauty of my self-study of these seemingly elementary subjects is that I am noticing how misattuned I've been to the phenomenality of their work.

How is it that I went through a top notch education system while being not fully attuned to how phenomenal the work that I was encountering was? I wouldn't say I was completely misattuned. I had a sense of wonder and awe during my studies and I truly enjoyed all of the Science and Engineering I studied. But when I sit with these simple results today, I am blown away in deep wonder and amazement.

Is it that I have a deeper connection to wonder and amazement now than when I was a child? Wonder and amazement underlie the experience of Devotion. It's true that Devotion has only entered my life in the past couple of years. I lived the first 34y of my life quite disconnected from Devotion and even looked down haughtily upon those who relied on it, unaware that some of the most amazing moments of my own intellectual upbringing were when I had just had a small taste of Devotion.

Yes, I do have a deeper connection to wonder, amazement and devotion now than 2y ago. Some of my access to these essential human qualities; qualities that bring so much LIFE to life; was locked away in innocent child parts that held pain that I wasn't ready to see. Back then, I'd never have guessed that actually seeing my repressed trauma would bring me to a place with greater, regular access to awe and wonder (along with regular access to grief, grief that would otherwise show up as numbing).

Is the access to such wonder and amazement what prompts one to do a PhD? A successful one, I mean. I tried doing one but the subject I chose was so dull that I quit. Also it felt cooler to be a Stanford PhD dropout than a Stanford PhD – which was the justification I used to keep my Ego from being bruised too bad.

At different points over the past 4y of study, I considered enrolling myself in a graduate program. But then realized that it's really the façade of comfort and safety that "enrolling in a graduate program" provides that I was seeking. What joy it is to read a page of a textbook and just meditate on it for a week, a month! With no pressure whatsoever, no deadline. No tuition being paid on a weekly basis. No stupid assignments that attempt to 'standardize' education. While still having access to the joy of a regular tech salary flowing into my bank account every two weeks. Why would I consider giving that up for that "comfort" and "safety"? I've learnt since that most times I seek comfort and safety outside of myself, it's best that I try to find it within myself.

The project continues.

What feels lacking and would be nice to have is a community of fellow explorers who I can discuss these things with beyond just writing about them in the void of the Internet. I've contemplated launching a 'mystery school' of sorts, possibly even giving out grants – initially from my own savings, later from fundraising – to folks who are exploring strong hypotheses about the nature of consciousness rooted in their own direct experience, trauma and studies. There's a distinction between 'studying' and 'reading books'. Studying has conscious awareness of a direction. When one 'reads books', there is still an underlying direction causing one to pick up the books once is gravitating towards. The sooner one becomes aware of that underlying soul direction, the easier it is to accept what are otherwise referred to as "problems of a book reader" – "too many books to read", "can't finish a book". If you are feeling overwhelmed by the number of books that you read, ask yourself "why the fuck am I reading so many books?". If you are feeling shame about not finishing books, present yourself the possibility that actually for the underlying subconscious study that your soul is directing you to do, perhaps just a few pages from that book sufficed?

If you've read thus far, I'm curious to hear from you – what are you studying? What are the hypotheses you hold that, if established, could lead to a significant leap of collective human understanding, that is prompting the particular study?