Forever for now in juicy pursuit of all the forbidden knowledge that the Universe holds
Often blissfully unaware of why this knowledge desires to stay hidden in the first place
Careful where you tread on the journey to connect with your soul lest it take you to places that are so Dark that no Light escapes them
Until it does from every pore of the Dark
And blinds you with scary ecstasy
The delicious ecstasy of biting into the juicy flesh of a ripe apple
I thought I was afraid of the Dark till I saw how scary the Light can be
I wonder then - is there really a difference between paralyzing fear and wild ecstasy?

When you are subsumed in the Dark, it can feel quite scary. The instinct is to run away from it.

But there is nowhere to run. Because you are subsumed in the Dark, your running away has a haphazard flavor to it.

A lack of directionality. A lack of clarity.

Everywhere you run, there you are again, still in the Dark.

Pause. Stand. Sit down. Allow your eyes to adjust to the pitch blackness. Luxuriate in the Dark, if you can. And then take in your environs, slowly scanning. You can do this quite literally when caught up in grief, depression, anxiety or any of the other physical layer manifestations of the Dark.

If you are patient enough, a speck of Light will make itself noticeable to you. Only for an instant, easy to miss when caught up in the humdrum of busy life.

Practice pause. Breathe.

And the speck of Light will steady itself. When all around is Dark, it is easy to spot where the Light is coming from, offering clear directionality.

This is the emergence of Clarity.

You can now start moving towards the Light. But say you don't move. You sit there steady. Observant.

What caused that speck of Light to appear when everything around you was Dark?

Where did the Light come from?

Don't move. Stay still. Observe.

Observe closely the nature of the Dark, till it reveals itself to you. Trembling in the power of your Witnessing. Vibrating in those trembles. Every speck of the Dark vibrates, till in a moment of refulgent glory, every speck flips, and you are soaked in the Light.

The other side of each speck of Dark is Light. You never needed to go to the Light, but just luxuriate in the Dark to be drenched in the Light. This is the non-duality of Light and Dark.

A baby's wailing out loud, switching instantaneously into deep belly laughter–both carrying the same physical vibrational patterns.

In that moment of the switch, you might feel scared. Especially if you really luxuriated in the Dark, the Light might feel blinding. If you have explored kink for far too long, it might have become your identity, and you may resist letting go of the familiar kinky pleasures, even though they no longer feel true.

If you succumb to that fear of letting go, you're back in familiar sludgy Darkness. If you can continue breathing through it, you'll be bathed in resplendent Light.

What I've described above is an allegorical account of a very specific human orientation or quality. This orientation can be developed if you currently don't have access to it. This orientation is, I believe, the pathway out of existential Suffering.

I've found that, presently, I really enjoy the company of humans who have developed such an orientation sufficiently. It has become a “value”, of sorts, for me.

Relationships that don't uphold this value are sludgy, tedious and energy sapping. Relationships that do uphold this value are energizing, creative and lively.

Don't take these adjectives in the physical sense. An energetically resourcing and lively–such that both humans develop greater access to their life force–can look like sitting quietly next to each other with arms gently grazing, just sharing breath and not doing much. A sludgy, tedious and sapping relationship might produce the most exciting, “fun”, 10 photo, Instagram carousel at the best tourist spots in town, while both humans are silently battling chronic illnesses that are getting worse in each other's company.

This value shows up when two humans are able to come together in connection instead of withdrawing or one withdrawing and the other chasing during duress. This value shows up if I feel excited to be seen and held by another human in my grief, instead of hastily pulling back my tears or finding escapes into humor. You can, of course, exercise discernment around who has the privilege of seeing and being with these most tender parts of you, but if you carry this value you'll be actively choosing humans who will be grateful to hold you in your tears and you would be grateful to be held by them in your tears. A foundational bed of safety that allows all past grief to evaporate and playful present fun to emerge. Playful fun, not as an escape from the grief, but because that’s all there is to do because the grief feels safe to be a part of this play.

Presence, with this value, shows up physically as an aligned energy pillar along the spine and back with a subtle flow upwards, some of the flow emerging out through the wings of the back into the palms–allowing the use of healing touch on yourself or another. That has been my direct physical experience.

How about you? Do you hold this value? How does this essay land for you? What thoughts come up? Do you see yourself similarly oriented? Do you disagree? Do you feel judgment for moments in the past where you acted differently than what this essay seems to recommend? If so, can you sit still in the disagreement or the sludginess of your judgment and breathe in the knowing–the Truth–that the channels from Dark to Light can open up spontaneously.