The challenge of courting – that early stage of flirtation when it’s still unclear whether the other person is interested – is that it’s difficult to stay tenderly open to the possibility without overstepping where the connection is at. It’s such a delicate seed of a spark between two humans. Both can sense it, and if either one cannot hold the tender tension, the spark disappears.

The spark itself, at its beginning, is tender. That’s why tenderness is so important. You have to meet the fragility of that early spark with tenderness in yourself. Without that, the spark cannot survive long enough to grow. Only then can both people orient toward the unknown of attraction and gently hint at the possibility of connection. That determines where the spark goes.

In my experience, the spark often dies when questions of self-worth overwhelm one of the two. Am I worthy of this person’s attraction? the Devil whispers. In the space of not knowing for certain, doubts show up. In that moment, all the work you’ve done to root yourself in self-worth is tested. Nowhere else is it tested more than in the budding moment of attraction between two humans. If you unconsciously collapse into unworthiness, you’ll start doing things that extinguish the spark.

Here, the other person has a choice: they can frantically attempt to reignite what has been extinguished, which plants the seed of an anxious–avoidant dynamic. Or they can securely name what’s happening and see where that takes the connection. Or they can securely detach altogether. Much of how it unfolds depends on what each person says or does next.

You may say something that sabotages the spark and then justify it as your authentic truth. But in doing so, you may not realize that, while you are stepping back into authenticity, you are also stepping out of the responsibility of collaboratively stoking the spark of connection.

The most common ways the early spark gets extinguished are either by platonicizing it or by letting past resentments seep in. A woman I once spoke with referred to me as “dude” in the middle of a conversation. Another spoke negatively about men in general. Another shared details about her other dates beyond what I cared to hear. These are common patterns, not malicious acts, but they are enough to smother a fragile beginning.

Holding back past resentments from seeping into the moment can be difficult work. But it is good work.

Intentional platonicizing is

a fine technique if that is truly what someone wants. The simplest way is by mentioning a partner or husband. An attuned man, if rooted in integrity and unwilling to support cheating culture, will graciously switch gears.

But sometimes platonicizing happens unintentionally, not because it’s desired, but because the tender tension of initial attraction feels too difficult to hold. Then women may wonder why men don’t pursue them, not realizing they are extinguishing these sparks by failing to take responsibility for the cultivation of attraction.

As I’ve been trying to balance exploring chemistry with discerning compatibility, I’ve noticed my own tendency to extinguish the tender spark by interrogating women, instead of allowing the natural process of getting to know each other to reveal compatibility.

It’s a joy to meet a woman who can hold tenderness at a level that matches my own, and to feel us both ease into a softened space of curiosity. This, to me, is what it means to be equally yoked: sharing an equal capacity for tenderness in connection. Men soften in the nourishing presence of women, and women soften in the safety that the presence of a man brings.

The word “masculine” is often misused, conflated with hardening. But true masculinity emerges from tenderness – a steady, grounded, contained directiveness. True femininity also emerges from tenderness – a softened, blooming intuition. Equal yoking happens when the tenderness levels are matched.

Often, questions of self-worth create the hardening mechanism that disrupts early attraction. This is why objective physical attractiveness can play such a big role. Colloquially, people say, “That couple looks good together.” What they really mean is that the couple is tenderly connected in a polarized masculine–feminine manner, enabled by their being roughly equally good-looking. That’s not always necessary. A person can be objectively less attractive than their partner, but if they are deeply rooted in self-worth, their tendency to collapse into self-doubt with attractive potential mates is low.

Still, on average, it seems easiest for humans to stay connected to their sense of self-worth when there are roughly equal levels of objective attractiveness. But beyond looks, it is tenderness – and the willingness to meet the tender spark of attraction with tenderness in oneself – that determines whether it grows or fades.