I am in Coimbatore. I came here to do Panchakarma (पन्चकर्म) at an Ayurvedic healing village, Vaidyagramma that my Vedic studies mentor, Dr. Svoboda, frequents. After a month in Arambol, Goa, I grew tired of being surrounded by alcohol & tobacco. Every time I’d plop down in a café, someone would light up a cigarette next to me polluting the common resource we all implicitly share because they were unable to be with the pain of their soul in that moment. My preferred way of showing my heartfelt compassion in those moments evolved to visible waves of my hand in front of my nose to clear out the air. Self-compassion first. It became a reflex action. The past couple of times it’s prompted the smokers to excuse themselves & step out. It’s been such a gift to have so many non-smoking public spaces in the US. Europe, North Africa and now India have been full of tobacco smoke. A part of me wonders whether my reflex action is passive aggressive. One could argue it is. I mostly see it as an effortless way for me to regain access to clean air without needing to engage with a person I’m not interested in engaging with yet. Of late I’ve noticed that I feel a strong desire to disengage with a human if they smoke in front of me. I get a strong bodily “fuck no”. It was most vivid at a tantra workshop I did last year. I was courting a beautiful Brazilian lady and at one point in our conversation she took out a cigarette. I notice and still remember vividly how my physical attraction for her dropped. I could feel it so strongly. I went from feeling mild sexual arousal for her to a “why the fuck am I still in this conversation” at a physical level. This was before I trained myself to lovingly say “yes, I do mind” when someone takes out a cigarette in front of me and, often absentmindedly (not you, Gwen), asks me “do you mind?”. It fits in with my ongoing mantra of effortless living, acting on my truest desires, treating my body like a temple and engaging with those who treat their body like temples. In my heart, I make it a point to not hold contempt for the human but permit annoyance towards the action to be surfaced authentically.

Anyways, after a month of boundary work with smokers, I decided to experience ashram life.

And specifically do पन्चकर्म & live at Vaidyagramma which seems to have a pretty amazing daily calendar. Also perhaps catch a glimpse of Dr. Svoboda in person. A bit of fan boy stalker vibes are okay here.

My current working thesis for deep sexual trauma healing is a combination of Martial Arts and Ayurveda.

I’ve come to realize that the point of Martial Arts is not for killing people or even punching them bloody in a ring. When Lyoto Machida joined the UFC, his father & teacher, a Japanese Shotokan Karate master was deeply upset. I believe he was upset because he felt that he had failed to convey the essence of Martial Arts to his son, who would go on to win many a brawl in the UFC.

In Jetā’s Grove, the young Deva Māgha asked the Buddha–

Having slain what, does one sleep soundly?
Having slain what, does one not sorrow?
What is the one thing, O Buddha,
Whose killing you approve?

The Buddha replied softly–

Having slain Anger, one sleeps soundly.
Having slain Anger, one does not sorrow.
The killing of Anger, O Deva,
With its poisoned root & honeyed tip;
This is the killing that the Noble Ones praise.
For having slain that, one does not sorrow.
For having slain that, one sleeps soundly.

The point of Martial Arts is to rein in the forces of Anger. In many-a-traumatized-human, Anger lies in the Shadows under a blanket of numbness ready to spring forth in a moment of trigger. Presenting a false story to the human–

“I am here to protect you. I am here for all the times you’ve been wronged.”

Only to spring up & hurt other innocent humans in times that don’t require protection. Thus–by perpetuating cycles of trauma. The same cycle that sowed the seeds of Anger in the first place.

Anger perpetuates itself through trauma.

It is essential to gradually take off the blanket of numbness. Stop fattening it up with alcohol, tobacco, weed, what have you.

So that the emotion of Anger be felt fully, but not reacted upon by projecting the perpetrator onto current humans in your life. Instead, expressed. Expressed through blood curling screams in ritual tantric shamanic spaces. Through pounding pillows as a form of emotional release. To fully feel the animal in you that can and would kill. That has wanted to kill those who wronged you but now only swipes at innocent humans in your life.

A man who can’t kill, can’t fully forgive. A man who believes he can’t kill is unaware of his depths of being.

Feel the lion of rage roaring in your loins and project it out energetically from your spine, so that your boundaries may be strengthened. So that your shadowy wounds don’t invite new humans in your life that you can then label as new “abusers” & forever remain stuck in victim mode, with an accompanying sense of helplessly flailing through life as it keeps “happening” to you. So that you may unconsciously & effortlessly attract safety, joy & play.

Unleash this same lion at the spirits of your actual perpetrators in the shamanic & liminal dream spaces when your body is trembling with flashbacks, deep in your CPTSD. So you can fix the traumatic memories at their storage place in your nervous system. And then you behold! Who is that glorious compassionate being that rides the lion? Arising to slay the demons of your trauma, unfailingly heeding the call of her devotees – the Goddess Mother!

This is the point of Martial Arts. For deep internal healing of wounds where boundaries were crossed. For slaying the demons that hold your rage. For engaging in the killing of Anger that the Noble Ones praise.

Trauma and healing and healing and trauma. Trauma trauma trauma 🙄

At some point in the healing journey, it is essential to fully let go of the “healing” of the “trauma” from the past & orient completely to the present moment. Else by virtue of putting attention on the “healing” of the “trauma”, one feeds the “trauma” and forever stays “healing”.

The direction of our attention is the only thing we have control over & our energy flows where our attention goes. As long as our attention remains on the traumatic events of the past, our energy shall continue feeding the trauma.

This is where Ayurveda comes in.

Ayurveda is a framework that senses the present state of the individual, the state of the environment & figures out steps needed to bring the individual back to a state of harmonious balance with an emphasis on natural toxin elimination procedures & changes to lifestyle.

I started the Fundamentals of Ayurveda I course with Dr. Claudia Welch and Dr. Robert Svoboda. In the course, Dr. Welch talks about how at an elemental level, there are similarities between the cycle of life and the cycle of a day. Every day, we are born as our consciousness reboots and we die as we fall asleep. Perhaps that explains the widespread fear of Night and Death in society? That the period in early morning (~4a till ~8a) corresponds to the period of life from pregnancy to puberty. Internal Family Systems mentions how most of the deeper childhood trauma happens from age 0 till 12. Perhaps that explains why humans suffering from trauma-induced depression find it difficult to wake up early in the morning?

The first lecture of the course emphasizes a loving morning routine (दीनाचार्य) for this exact time period. Every morning is an opportunity to rewire your childhood! To give you the love that you didn’t receive! To say no to the abuse that you did receive! How beautiful! A form of childhood trauma healing without putting any attention to the trauma! So smart!

The पन्चकर्म procedure that I’m excited to try out cleanses out the deposits of toxins on the entire alimentary canal from the tongue all the way down to the anus. If you see whitish deposits on your tongue, you know the kind of deposits I’m referring to. Now imagine these same deposits being all inside your digestive system. Trauma needs to be digested to be alchemized away but if your digestive system is clunky, that’s gonna be difficult. These deposits are caused due to poor eating habits. Given the high correlation between eating disorders and deep childhood trauma, would cleansing the layers of deposited toxins also cleanse out the baggage of your trauma? I sense that the answer depends upon how the treatment is conducted, what intention the client sets and whether the client is in touch with the source of their trauma. Whatever the factors are, I see hope in this approach. Internal Martial Arts for early CPTSD-style trauma tremor control & Ayurveda to transition into a harmonized day-to-day existence.

It’s lovely to feel hope. Hope is the miracle emotion that healing roots itself on.