I have learned how important it is to not lose connection to your sense of play and humor while you’re being physically intimate. I remember there was a time, not too long ago, that I would get so serious during sex.

I would be playful before sex and then the moment I started having sex I became serious. I forgot to breathe. Grunt, grunt, grunt without any breaths or pause.

I don’t know what would happen back then, to cause that switch. It was almost as if entering a sexual space was entering a major portal of shame. Everything needed to be secretive. No sounds. No breath. What if someone walks in on us?, would be the constant question in the background. They would hear my exhale! Oh, the horror!

Sex used to be a panic-induced quick thrill of an exploration. In that mode, there was only one expression available—silent, breathless thrusting. Very different from the sexual marathons I have written about.

Now as a mode of expression, secretive quick thrills are not bad. But that is just one of the many modes available in quality sexual intimacy.

It does not make for a stable foundation, as with anything that is a secret. Play and humor do.

It is quite sad that we live in a society where adults seem to lack regular access to play. I would wager that if adults played more they would probably be less thirsty for sex and also have better quality sex in the right amounts.

If you look at women’s dating profiles in the US today, the most common line you’ll find is Make me laugh.

Isn’t it fun to laugh? It’s so fun to laugh! Why wouldn’t you laugh while having sex? Laughter is so great. It relaxes the body in a way that nothing can. It relaxes groups of human bodies like absolutely nothing can. Jiggling the collective myofascial freeze as unknown amounts of past trauma are activated in the group relational field. People being reminded of past hurt as they look at each other and bodies freezing protectively in response. A well-timed joke breaks through that collective freeze and makes space for breath.

Laughter is great. And it is great to have it follow you in sexual intimacy.

Don’t let any little voice in your head tell you that you are ever doing anything that is so important that there’s no time for laughter. There’s always time for laughter!

Laughter rejuvenates a connection. Like blowing on a fire to have it roar back to life.

If you are in a heated sexual sprint and you find a pause, and there’s some life-giving humor that comes to mind, say it out. Have a full bellied laugh together and then get back to the thrusting. And tell me you don’t feel more grounded in your cock after.

A full bellied laugh seems to dissipate any demons that might be latching onto your lower belly that’d otherwise cause a collapse into an early ejaculation.

Practice life-giving humor.

There are many flavors of humor. The kind that seems to work best in sexual intimacy is life-giving humor.

Now this isn’t a hard and fast rule, but it is a solid guideline that can break you out of the monotony of hard and fast rhythms.

There could be some space for self-deprecating humor as a man, but be careful that your self deprecation doesn’t collapse your spine.

A collapsed spine means the energy can’t flow from your phallus to your crown and will dissipate rapidly after a build-up of a few thrusts.

I avoid humor that deprecates the woman, but it is fine to use it under a foundation of heart-centered connection while explicitly exploring a consensual container of deprecation like humiliation kink.

If I find the woman resorting to self-deprecating humor, I’d usually lean towards building her up in response but I haven’t found myself in bed with a woman who does that in recent times.

Back in the day, the only kind of humor that I had access to was mean humor. It is very common in India. Also quite common in boys dorms.

Before you consider using deprecatory humor, perhaps let go of that impulse and notice what comes after. May be you’ll tap into another flavor that is life-giving.

There is so much life-giving humor floating around in the relational space. So many life-giving humorous opportunities that just exist where both of you are laughing together at absurdities that life presents. And life is good at dishing out absurdities, no?

Ideally the humor is not at the cost of anyone else out in the world either—individual or groups—you can notice those instincts and let go, and trust me, you will find a thread that is purely life-giving!

Life-giving humor seems crucial for sexual marathons.

Laughter releases what might otherwise cause ejaculative collapse. When you feel at ease, you can also have moments of ease for your phallus. Allow it to be tender. Be in connection with your cock rather than using it as a tool to derive pleasure. If your toe stubbed a rock and started hurting, would you be angry at your toe? Bring the same tenderness when your cock goes soft.

You don’t need supplements to keep it artificially hard.

You can pause, notice it, look at her and call time for an intermission or whatever comes to your mind. Take a break, chat. Read a book together. Observe her body. Observe her pussy. Tickle her where you feel like tickling her. Notice her response. There are so many ways to get back into cock-readiness. Ways that she enjoys. Ways that allow you to get to know her erotic signature better. Ways that cost you nothing and don’t cause unknown long-term consequences for your health like popping a pill might.

Intermissions add flavor to sexual marathons. Now they are a full spectrum exploration of intimacy rather than just a thrust-thrust-thrust-done affair.

And humor seems to lubricate it all. When I find spaciousness and peace in silence with a woman—and this is something you’ll know the first time you meet someone—I know that I can create the kind of spaciousness that ensures that shame doesn’t creep in when I feel soft.

Back in the day, I used to drop into this internally collapsed state of being—“Oh no no no, I am going soft. Gotta get it back up quickly” while maintaining a stoic silent exterior. Thinking I’m hiding my panic from the woman.

I have learnt since that women tend to be very emotionally attuned. So there isn’t much space for hiding really.

Spaciousness creates a variety of experiences and chapters in the sexual marathon. Spaciousness allows for adjustments.

How do I want to adjust this position? Is this feeling good? Does this create a flow between us where my phallus feels grounded and solid—like an extension of my spine instead of a separate organ?

When I prioritize having sex with women that I thoroughly enjoy hanging out with, without sex, the pauses during sex are thoroughly enjoyable. When sex and the hope for it is, not the bedrock of the connection, sexual marathons seem to become available.

Back in the day, I had very poor boundaries around meanness from women. Women can be quite verbally mean. In a variety of ways. There is much that men have done to hurt them through the ages. And in this current phase of women embracing their freedom and agency, it seems that many can resort to subtle jabs at the men who open up their hearts to them.

I have noticed in the past that, that can be hot in a way that makes me aggressively desire the woman. But it’s not the kind of heat that keeps my heart open. The openness of my heart is crucial to pump out all the excess collection of energy in my cock, so I can breathe it up my spine and not have it escape suddenly.

Boundaries continue to be a work in progress but the more I have enjoyed the softness of my own open heart, the less drawn I find myself to connections where my heart closes up and I can’t adjust the connection to keep my heart open.

My own emotional safety creates space for playful life-giving humor which then translates into marathonic sexual adventures. When I prioritize such safety, I find myself less worried about the woman being mean if I were to go soft.

When I enter a sexual space with a woman where there is a good foundation of safety, connection and humor, sex just magnifies it all.

And honestly, I’d wager that there is a way to create that space with any woman you are attracted to. It just needs some investment in the relationship. Allow your cock to signal to you who you are drawn to, but let it not be the driver of how you cultivate a relationship.

A crucial ingredient to getting here has been creating room in my life to enjoy celibacy. To thoroughly enjoy my life without any masturbation or sex. The simplest way to get there would be to regularly lift heavy weights in a variety of ways while emphasizing form. All muscle chains tie into your pelvis so as you lift properly, you practice extracting stuck sexual energy and harnessing it for the creation of muscle. That is quite an enjoyable activity!

Celibacy also means taking a period of time to completely switch off all the mechanisms in me that hunt for sex. Allowing myself space to learn how to enjoy pure conversational connection with attractive women, without needing to move it into the bedroom.

My brothers, truly, there is such a great delight in witnessing a beautiful woman be joyful. I am sure this isn’t news to any of you. Sometimes that pure delight of the joy of a free and alive woman gets wrapped up in erotic desire for her, but notice just the pure delight of that joy and mmm, it feels so good!

The more I experienced how good it feels to just notice the joy and aliveness of a beautiful woman, the more I realized that I can relish that experience without needing to have sex with her. I may want to have sex with her, but I don’t need to.

You could try this out while watching porn, if you use it. Can you feel how delighted your heart gets when the woman on the screen—clearly representing the archetype of women you are drawn to—is moaning away in sexual ecstasy? For just a moment, stop yanking away and notice your heart fluttering open in the delicacy of pure delight.

That delightful fluttering feeling in the heart evokes light giggles that connects me to the humor that is ever present in the air. Just waiting for someone to tap into the inspiration and give words to it.

Words that bring life. Words that allow you to cultivate marathonic sexual experiences filled with belly laughs.