Boundary perfectionism is a trauma freeze response.

Waiting till I’ve figured out the perfect, kindest way to say No keeps me from saying No. It’s a sneaky manifestation of a trauma freeze.

There’s a part of me that doesn’t want me to have healthy boundaries. This part developed in the moment of the traumatic events and desires to protect me from the potential horrible consequences of saying No to the Perpetrator. He asks me to perfect my No’s before saying them. He lives firmly in the past, specifically stuck at the moment where the abuse is happening. In the present moment, where he holds a high bar for the quality of my boundary expressions, the “abuse” is not as bad as the moment in the past where he is stuck.

Boundary perfectionism prevents me from saying No earlier on in a connection with another human. It makes it susceptible for the connection to flow in a direction where stronger boundary violations can occur. In an attempt to perfect the No, he creates scenarios in my present day life that can be closer and closer to the original violation from the past. This is the irony of boundary perfectionism. This is how people get sucked up into abusive relationships that mimic the last abusive relationship they got out of.

Say No. Blurt it out. Put your hands up in a No. Step back. And breathe.

Boundary perfectionism may allow for deep healing.

When the Goddess says No, it’s like drops of honey to the ear.

When a person acts in a manner that steps across my boundaries, they are acting from a wound. The wound is reaching out for the nurturing Goddess inside me for nourishment. For healing. If I am feeling resourced, I may consciously choose to channel the Goddess and gently and kindly speak to their inner wounded child. Hold their child and lovingly let them know that the way they are wanting to engage is not how I want to engage with them. Gently guide them back to their own spine. To their whole Self, so that their wholeness can nourish their own wounds.

What’s in it for me? The opportunity to forgive. To be able to stay rooted in love. In the belief that we are all one at the end of the day. That the sense of separateness is an illusion.

But in order to be able to do that, I need deep embodied confidence in my boundaries. So I’ll blurt out No if that’s all I can muster and not let the perfect be the enemy of the good.