Angry women don’t need accountability. Angry women need steady, loving boundaries.

Not resentment. Not repressed anger. Not succumbing to what she is demanding in the moment of anger. But steady loving presence and healthy boundaries.

I don’t say this to deny the seed of truth underneath her anger. But what is being communicated to you in the moment of anger is not that truth.

Anger distorts Truth.

The sooner you set healthy, loving boundaries to her when she expresses anger towards you, the sooner you can reach the nugget of truth underneath it. And then together absorb that truth into your relationship.

If you collapse into the demands being made of you in that spurt of anger, then you allow the perpetuation of what the woman experienced in her childhood.

Her own collapse in the face of angry demands.

From her father, her grandfather, other men in her life, that seeded anger in her.

Towards men. Towards abstract structures like the System. Because the masculine structures that she was exposed to as a little girl were not reliable. They would often cave in on her and hurt her unpredictably in different ways—physically, emotionally, sexually.

So all of that hurt has coalesced now in the woman in the form of anger against structures.

Anger against men. Anger against the System.
Anger against her own Google Calendar.

Imagine you lived in a town where there was not a single good architect. People were building these experimental houses to live in, which just collapsed left and right.

Housing was a shitty experience overall. That was the only experience of housing you had ever had.

So you just swore off housing for the rest of your life and committed to living in the forest and sleeping under the shade of a tree. Now that is a perfectly fine way of living. If that’s how you want to live, that’s a perfectly fine way of living.

But you might run into challenges when you try to nurture young innocent life in those wild circumstances. Like having babies, protecting them from wild animals. And if, at some point, you connected to that longing within you. In your testicles. In your womb. To create, foster and nurture innocence.

Then at some point you’d want to live in a home again.

Now imagine how sad it would be if you didn’t know that there were reliable homes that lasted decades, even centuries! That things could be fixed inside the home if something got a little shaky. You didn’t have to panic and abandon the house afraid that it’s going to collapse in on you and hurt you again every time a door squeaked.

How sad would it be if you had no idea that most of society has figured out how to build stable living structures!

There are enough men today that have a sense of what steady, stable relational structures are. And all men have an innate sense of it within them, even though it might not always be expressed perfectly in how they show up.

And my brother, we need you!

Because it’s easier to build together than alone. Together, we build from within, deep within. By connecting to our own unique sense of what we are here to build. To create.

What supports that connection within is spaciousness from humans who habitually make angry demands from you. That’s not to say you can’t live with such humans. You can live with humans who make angry demands of you, if you are really practiced in this way of being where you are able to hear underneath their angry, resentful words while being attuned to the fact that anger distorts truth. That’s not a fault of the angry person. It’s just the nature of Anger.

Observe what is expressing underneath the Anger and don’t let it enter you. Because Anger is a poisonous energy.

Angry humans feel so alone in their anger that they need to seed that in others around them so that they can have company.

Anger is a prison-master. Anger imprisons humans, men and women alike, and isolates them. From that place of isolation, the human yearns for company. They are not aware of this, of course. But, truly, when people lash out at you, they are hoping to be met by you in their prison of anger. So they can have a moment of company in this miserable, isolated, imprisonment they’ve found themselves in.

When someone is caught up in anger, they have no idea that they could just step out of this prison and life would be so much better! They could just join others in joyful connection. They have not yet learnt how to say no to the prison-master that Anger is.

Isn’t that so sad? It is really sad that people get trapped in the prison that Anger has constructed. It sucks out the joy in their lives. Their health deteriorates. They get isolated. Men and women alike. It’s a collective trap. There is a whole group of humans that are presently imprisoned by the prison-master that Anger is.

What they do within this prison is that they make angry demands of each other and collapse into fulfilling those demands and then hold resentment towards each other.

It’s a guck of anger, demands and resentment and collectively a group of humans is trapped in it. Not knowing that there is another way to live!

When they encounter humans who are not yet fully trapped in it, they respond by making angry demands of them because that is how anger imprisons another human.

Now they do this out of ignorance, of course. They are not doing this out of ill intentions in their heart.

When the human who receives their angry demands collapses, the seed of anger is inserted in them too. Like I did as a child when this man angrily mounted me from the front and penetrated my anus with his phallus. I collapsed to his angry demand made of me. And it seeded the Archdemon of Anger, who is the prison-master in my body.

It kept me disconnected from my own inner peace, inner sense of unique purpose for life. It made me susceptible to making rigid demands of others and collapsing to angrily expressed demands from others.

Until I encountered martial arts and its precursor: the Alexander Technique.

These embodied practices activated my spine and taught me how to stay peacefully in my back.

When anger comes at you, if you energetically move to meet it in the front, your spine collapses and it seeds within you. Once you cultivate your spine and your back, you can learn how to stay heart-open in the front and withdraw energetically into the safety and security of your wide back and strong spine.

Now there’s spaciousness between you and the incoming fire plus a pathway for the fire to rise up into the heart instead of the solar plexus where it is presently located.

You stay erect. You stay structured in your body. Your structure doesn’t collapse.

And that demonstrates to the human in front of you, presently imprisoned by Anger, how to stay in their own back when one of the other angry inmates makes angry demands of them. Their body absorbs it in that moment instead of you absorbing the seed of anger.

“Oh, this is how one stays in one’s back!”
”Oh, this is how you say No! Wow.”
”Oh, this is how you put up a boundary. Oh, fascinating!”
”Wow. What, I could just block someone if they are being angry with me? I could just do that? Wow, I had no idea.”
”I could just say no? Wow, wild.”
”What, can I just make a request for a different way for the question to be asked?”
”Wow! I could just reveal that, wow, that actually hurts me and could you try saying it a different way? Whoa!”

It is absolutely mind-blowing when, as an inmate you experience someone demonstrating spineful, erect, steady, contained boundaries and presence. A moment of awakening! Absolutely stunning!

Say you are new to Muay Thai, and you start sparring. You are expending a lot of energy throwing punches and kicks at your more experienced opponent. And they demonstrate this capacity to deflect your punches and kicks while barely moving.

Such low effort that unshakenly absorbs all of your high effort. Then you get tired and they send in one controlled jab that lands squarely on your nose. But it is light and they smile. You can tell that if they wanted, they could have sent that same jab with an intensity that would have knocked you straight out. You contrast it with the multitude of flailing jabs and crosses you threw at them. You notice the restraint they had because they are aware that this is a game. You realize that this is a game. You thought this was a fight! How silly of you! But no, this is a game.

This is a relational game. It could be a fight if you wanted it to be a fight. But you realize you have a choice! It doesn’t have to be a fight. It can be a playful relational game where we teach each other things that we are uniquely designed to tap into.

What a gift!

What a gift it has been in my life to receive calm, steady boundaries. Just this one moment. Seemingly brief moment that stretches out because everything slows down in a manner where you realize that time isn’t as linear as you thought.

Everything slows down. You absorb something and something inside you releases. No longer is it directed at the person in front of you but it is released upwards and out. And the thing that releases inside you is also finally grateful to leave you because it was suffering too with you in this angry prison.

Not even the demonic minions of Anger that imprison humans enjoy the prison really. They really don’t. They are operating under the same delusions that you are when you are entertaining the demons.

It is quite profound to receive that gift of steady, spineful, centered boundary setting.

Why wouldn’t you give that gift to women who are angry with you? Absolutely you should! Why wouldn’t you give that gift to the men who are angry with you? You should give that gift to every human who is in anger.

Give them the gift of gently steadily exercised boundaries so that they may be free!

If you are in a place where you feel guilt for what men have done in the past, including your own father, your grandfather, your self. That’s reasonable.

Men have done terrible things in the past. But it is quite the tragedy to attribute that to something inherent in men and not to the spiritual forces of Anger, that Man can absolutely conquer. Very easily.

Man is greater than Anger.

Men are good. Women are good. Humans are good. All humans! Trump is good. Epstein is good.

All humans are good but then they are hijacked and imprisoned by horrible tendencies that then cause then to hijack and imprison other humans.

But the horrible tendencies are never stronger than the good that lies inside every human. Truly!

We can all collectively let go of these tendencies that seem to hijack us every now and then, while holding grace for ourselves for the occasions where we fell prey to those tendencies. And thereby tap into heaven on Earth.

That’s what Jesus meant when he said the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand. It is quite literally right here. Every moment there is a choice to orient towards it and be a part of it.

A subtle choice to keep your spine steady. To keep your heart open. To feel the pain but prevent others from enjoying your pain. That’s not good for them. It’s not good for you.

Angry women don’t need your accountability.

They need loving, steady boundaries. And when you do that, the seed of truth that is trying to emerge in your relationship with the woman will clarify itself to both of you. And then together you can co-create a relationship where that seed comes true, instead of oscillating back and forth between unloving ways of being with each other and together being trapped in the prison of Anger.