I have been contemplating creating an online course for a minute now.

I want to call it the Indian Institute of Being a Man Whore. The tagline being that “graduates” will be guaranteed placements (Indian slang for a “job”) at the best male brothels around the world.

It’s a play on the IITs—elite engineering institutes in India where the cultural expectation is such that once you get in, your life is set (Indian slang for “your life is sorted”) because you’ll get the best jobs the country has to offer.

Now, of course, at some level, that’s a lie. I don’t think anyone’s life is really sorted till they make space to meet and tame the demons within, but then once you do, your paradigm of what life is about might itself evolve beyond the concept of life being “sorted” or “not sorted”.

On another level, it is quite true. IITs are a very strong brand name. In the hierarchies of brands that the financial system has developed, other brands think highly of the IIT brand, and so your mobility in the financial hierarchical system is a bit easier if you ghusaao your g**nd (Indian slang for “work your a** off”) in high school to get into an IIT.

So the Indian Institute of Being a Man Whore is a bit of a play on the IITs. It’s a course in making good sweet love for those of us who have been trained as engineers. There’s a very specific manner in which engineers think and it’s pretty common across all engineering disciplines.

We think in terms of systems. I think such a systems-oriented outlook comes from the structure of the scientific method, itself.

You observe a system. You develop a hypothesis about it. The hypothesis rests on the assumption of underlying causality i.e. you believe that what you are observing is the effect of a particular cause or set of causes. Leaving aside the philosophical debate on causality, it has served us pretty well.

The hypothesis rests on a theory of how the system functions and makes some claims about potential effects of certain actions performed on the system.

These claims are described methodically as procedures—experiments—and expected results, so that anyone all the way around the world could verify what has been claimed.

As many individuals repeatedly try out what you’ve claimed and vet your experiments, the theory that you’ve proposed gains acceptance in the scientific community. It becomes established.

Until someone observes something that cannot be explained by that theory and the results of an experiment go against the predictions of that theory. So then folks get to work to expand upon the theory and so on and so forth.

In this venture, there has been a proclivity to favor simpler theories over more complicated theories. Perhaps you’ve heard of Occam’s razor? Theories are often presented as a set of principles.

Herein, I’m presenting 3 principles that a man needs to embody to become a champ at making good sweet love. In doing so, I’m speaking to my brethren of an engineering or scientific aptitude. You don’t need to have received such training to have such an aptitude, mind you.

Unfortunately (in my view), men of an engineering aptitude aren’t typically culturally associated with being mean lovemaking machines. Which is quite tragic.

Because the human body is a well-engineered system—perhaps one of the most well-designed systems we’ve encountered. It’s absolutely marvelous.

And I’ve had a whole long journey, being trained first as a scientist in high school, then as an engineer in undergrad—while being entirely caught up in pornography. Afraid of talking to women. Holding long-running “crushes” on women I had barely spoken with. Such a tragic waste of erotic energy. Through a marriage that was entirely devoid of penetrative sex due to unhealed, unseen wounds—to where I’m at now, with replicated experience of navigating romantic connections to marathonic lovemaking.

Now one could look at my “failed” marriage and try to make sense of the absence of quality lovemaking in it, in one of two ways.

The first way is what I’d call the victim narrative.

“Oh, he ended up in a sexless marriage because of his unhealed repressed sexual trauma”
”Oh, he ended up in a sexless marriage because he was a total nerd”
”Oh, he ended up in a sexless marriage because he was really conditioned by pornography”

This way of making meaning is useful until one learns how to access grief and be with it and let it flow out when it wants to flow out. Once you have developed a relationship with grief where you no longer need to run away from it, and you can just welcome it because you have experienced how light-hearted you feel once cleansed by the waters flowing out of your eyes, the victim narrative has done its job.

The second way to make meaning of this is to acknowledge that I lacked skill.

I lacked skill.
I was not educated.
I did not know good strategies.
I did not know the design of the system.
I did not know the principles.

The humble acknowledgment that one lacks skill and thereby one moves towards cultivating skill is the way of the Engineer.

The process of cultivating skill relies on making sense of the system one is working with. It’s easiest to make sense of a system by understanding and embodying a handful of underlying principles.

I speak here for men. I don’t know how it is to be a woman, honestly. Women are a mystery in many ways, which is what makes sex so great.

An Engineer, in the absence of shame, can bring his innate curiosity towards how things work to the mystery of a female body. A mystery that’ll probably be never solved, which is a good thing! Because that kinda guarantees that sex shall forever be an adventure. With the same woman. Who is, technically, not the same woman as she moulds and is moulded by y’all’s good sweet love.

My marriage crashed in late 2016 and over the next 10 years, I went into a wild exploration of what these underlying principles are.

What do the strategies look like?
What practices can a man cultivate to make himself a good lover?
How do you even quantify being a good lover?

And now that I have figured it out, to some extent, this is an attempt at putting into words a quantifiable objective of good sweet lovemaking and the principles themselves.

Now some of the readers might find themselves getting impatient with the extended intro section. “Just get to it, damn it”

To such a brother, I’d say—learn to relax and enjoy the tease ;)

Let’s attempt to define this problem space in as objective a way as possible.

Every man is capable of proactively finding a woman that he’s attracted to and cultivating their connection in a manner that Eros blooms between them, whereby they can make good, sweet love that includes his capacity to dick her for eons.

(A shoddy first attempt at objectivity, but how could one talk about sex without poetry—I truly don’t know. As a side note, I really do like including crass words when I write about sex because it seems that when you try to civilize sex, you lose its essence. And the crassness ensures that my past self that began this journey is still a part of the storytelling.)

A healthy man, when he is in a consensual sexual exploration with a woman, should be able to penetrate her without losing his seed, without regularly finding himself go flaccid, be ready to go when the heat builds up and then make love for a significant amount of time that I have quantified at 90 minutes.

I decided upon 90 minutes because truly, penetrative sex is essentially a massage for the vagina with the best massage tool that a man has in his arsenal—on his body—a tool that has structure with pliability without bony hardness—truly, physically, capturing the essence of what quality masculinity looks like. And trust me you need to at least sign yourself up for 90 minute massages. 60 doesn’t cut it, and Lord save you if you skimp and go for 30 min massages.

Now here, when I describe dicking as a quality pussy massage, I’m using language that carries the paradigm of trade or barter. Typically, in the context of a massage, the masseuse gets something back—often money—which can then be used by the masseuse for other things. Now as a graduate of the Indian Institute of Being a Man Whore, you may experience the same if you choose to take the guaranteed job at one of the best brothels in the world, upon graduation.

But the true beauty of sex lies in breaking through the paradigm of trade entirely! With every stroke of your phallic massage, immediately your phallus is massaged too. The trade is happening moment-by-moment. A co-creation. A collaboration which moves you and her and the world beyond this paradigm of self and other and trade and barter that so much of our society is stuck in, right now. A success, truly, of Liberal Capitalism, to permit individuation through the pursuit of self-interest but it’s time to move beyond and create a new Earth.

How do we choose to act in a manner that brings us great joy moment by moment?
Every instant that we are in the action. Not for a vacation once a year. Not to party on the weekend, but fulfilling, non-escapist delight right now and here.
How do we do so surrounded by people whose mere presence brings us great fulfillment and delight?

To be able to dick a woman that you are attracted to for 90 minutes non-stop is an objective standard we are setting for this experiment.

To be clear, this is not the same as being able to have marathonic sex with any woman at any point. The will of your mind can’t override the truth of where your body and heart are at, in relation to a woman.

Sex is a relational act. It’s really not about you or her, but about your connection together. This work then is not about making you a great lover, but about helping you gain the relational skill to track the state of a connection with a woman, wherein you escalate towards intimacy, as and when the flower shows hints of blooming. And these hints can be very subtle, so it requires great attunement. But once you know how to spot the hint of a bloom, you can navigate the connection to a space where great love is flowing. Great eros wants to flow. Where you are so erotically alive, even outside of sexual contexts, that you have all the tools and skills to find adventurous explorations that surround us at all times.

Some of these adventures will be of a sexual nature with a woman and when the time is ripe in your connection with her, you’ll be able to rise to the occasion and deliver a good, solid dicking.

In my journey, I have realized that women are naturally sex machines.

Their sex organ isn’t of the nature where it builds up seed to come alive and then shrinks away after losing the seed.

Their sex organ is either closed for business—and there is a whole process of courtship through which it can be opened up for business (no guarantees, of course)—or then once it’s open, it’s roaring and can go on for hours.

Now, I’m generalizing a bit here, of course. This also requires the woman to be able to meet her own grief and not shut down as the fires of Eros flow through her body, wanting to alchemize all past wounding. But then, you, my brother, should have the skill and attunement to pick a sexual partner who can meet you in the spiraling dance of Eros together. Not every single time, of course, but over a time period—where the two of you reveal to each other past hurt and grief that needs tears to be shed and you can do so without holding onto enemy images of each other. Not frozen in conflict, but regularly merging in good sweet love.

But I’m talking about the physicality of the yoni as contrasted with the phallus.

Looking back upon my own direct validation of marathonic lovemaking—at the risk of reducing these truly magical and unique experiences to sterile data—since this capacity unlocked for me, I have experienced it with four women. During this time, I did not experience it with another woman that I shared penetrative intimacy with. And amongst the four, I did not experience it with one of them on a separate occasion. In between, I had physical, non-penetrative intimacy with other women. Lord, I hope this doesn’t come off as bragging, but I’m sharing the specifics here to give the reader a glimpse into the direct experience that the forthcoming principles are drawn from.

What’s interesting here is that all four of these women had the capacity to go on for 90 minutes once we dropped into penetrative intercourse. Going further back, to before this capacity unlocked, almost every penetrative encounter I had ended with my own spillage. Many of my prior intimate encounters never got penetrative, or even worse, got penetrative before the yoni was roaring, because I lacked the skill to turn women on. But none of the encounters where the yoni had started roaring ended because the yoni needed a break.

So I’ll repeat again: women are, quite naturally, sex machines—at least according to the quantitative metric I have defined above.

I find it important to emphasize this because there are a lot of cultural falsehoods that I grew up with. One such falsehood was that “women don’t like sex”. I have learnt that it’s not that women don’t like sex, but it takes skill to help them settle into their naturally voracious appetite and capacity for sex. But because there is a dearth of such skill and because many men live (like I did) with fragile egos where they can’t take ownership for the lack of their skill, it is less confronting to live with the grapes-are-sour attitude of “women don’t like sex”.

The design of the female sex organ is not such that in the throes of arousal, they suddenly spill something that causes a shut down. A woman can shut down in penetrative intimacy—usually, in my experience, when the arousal in her body breathes life into some past grief that then wants to come out as tears. Some women continue intercourse while shedding tears. Some women want to pause to be with the tears. If a woman isn’t comfortable crying—either crying in general, or in your presence, or while being naked—she might just totally shut down, stop sex and turn away. But the pause mode of suddenly spilling seed is purely phallic.

Having said that, let’s get into the 3 principles of making good sweet love.

What is virtual is not physical, and is actually quite opposed to it.

If I were to pinpoint one moment where I became vividly aware of this opposition in my inner work journey, it was right around the time I had gotten divorced from my marriage circa 2017. I was in New York City then, surrounded by pretty women and horribly hooked on pornography. I’d watch it multiple times a day, ejaculate multiple times in a session and spend hours on it, without any shame about it to be honest. I truly enjoyed it. Would not have even called it an addiction.

Hours spent watching virtual women have sex. Virtual women who had no idea that I existed.

And I noticed something. It’s a little difficult to talk accurately about these things that I noticed in my past without layering on wisdom from my present self, but what I noticed was that I’d walk around, do my work and whatnot in NYC watching these physical women who were quite attractive and if one of them really hooked into my mind, I’d notice myself drifting later in my porn binge attempting to find pornography that resembled her or the scenario in which I encountered her. It’s a bit vulnerable to reveal this, but it was true.

And then one day, I had this question—why am I not just approaching these pretty women?

Why not approach her and have sex with her directly, in the physical world, instead of picking up some signal that I’m then taking somewhere to the virtual space?

Then as I opened myself up to the possibility of approaching women, I noticed a freeze response. I’d freeze if I was attracted to a woman. I would not know what to say. I was more comfortable watching from a distance. I wouldn’t be surprised if I’ve creeped out women while being stuck in such a freeze response and if I have, I do regret it. But I was frozen.

I would not freeze when I was watching porn of a similarly attractive woman. I was comfortable taking action when my mind thought that she wasn’t aware of me.

The more time I spent in secrecy watching a virtual woman have sex, the more I secretively gained sexual pleasure while a virtual woman was unaware of me, the more it cultivated my freeze response when I was actually in front of a woman.

The virtual drags me away from the physical.

The phallus or the cock or the lingam—there are all these different terminologies to refer to the male sex organ, varied attempts creating space between references to it and the typical puerile giggles (a fawn response) common in cultures that have absorbed sexual shame and traumatized each other through abuse. You might encounter different language as you embark on your conscious sexuality journey—where you are practicing bringing awareness, intellect or consciousness to the domain of sexuality, so that you can, if you have the engineer’s outlook that I do, understand the system you are working with. Understand your own engineering, that of your woman and the very subtle engineering of touch between the two of you. To unlock wild adventures that you couldn’t possibly even begin to fathom, of which the capacity to fuck like a stallion is just the tip of the iceberg.

Speaking of the tip though, the phallus is just the tip of the spine.

It belongs to the spine.

Here I’m not talking about physical anatomy. I’m talking about the energetic anatomy of your body.

The phallus is just the tail turned forward. The tail that we had when we were animals. Now when we are aroused, our tails come back online again so that we can become animals again.

When the phallus becomes erect, it brings us, men, back to our inner animal zone. Our animal instincts come alive. In a sense, having great sex is just about creating space and room for your animal to roll with her animal.

Tapping into the animal that is still throbbing and pulsing inside you even though you have tried so so hard to “evolve” into “civilization” and to “tame” that “animal”.

If you’ve had sex or experienced arousal or watched sex, you probably have some intuitive sense of what I’m referring to. There is something inherently animalistic that comes alive in sex. There are ways that you move, sounds that you make that you may not otherwise permit yourself in the “normal” “civilized” world.

In that sense, in your energetic anatomy, the phallus belongs to the spine.

An Interlude: A Rant about how the Physical and the Material planes have hijacked all the terminology

You know what, I’m just gonna go ahead and say it. Just purely anatomically, minus the energetic qualifier, the phallus belongs to the spine. Why should the word anatomy immediately imply physicality? I think that’s an unfortunate present artifact of the current stage of the evolution of the scientific method.

You see, what the Enlightenment Era brought us, partly due to improved capacity to communicate in writing around the world, was reproducible experimental protocols. You could propose a hypothesis and define an experiment in support of it, with the procedure and the expected observations. And someone else far away from you could reproduce the result. This was great for collaboration, but what ended up happening is that because the physical or the material plane is the lowest common denominator of reproducible experimentation, we started conflating the observable with the material. As a corollary of such a conflation, we started rejecting the non-material from modern scientific experimentation. Over time, the Materialist Scientific paradigm developed, which rejected whatever is non-material. Hence, you’ll find modern humans who carry the Scientific Ego—their identity is attached to the present stage of science—keeping the “pseudoscientific” label in their back-pocket to dismiss anything that is not in the material plane.

Oddly enough, in my view, this very much fits with the sociocultural mockery of scientists and engineers being poor lovers. It’s the flip-side of such rejection of the energetics, spirit and soul.

The material isn’t the only plane that exists. Your body, especially, has a non-material anatomy to it. Some of you might have explored the concept of chakras. That is a part of the energetic anatomy of the body.

Some of you reading this might poo-poo it. I’d ask you—is instinctively poo-pooing the non-material more important to you than fucking a woman’s brains out for eons? If it’s the latter, just hold the possibility that your body does have a non-physical anatomy.

In the energetic anatomy of your body, the phallus is not separate from the spine. Or if we are in agreement on the correct use of the term “anatomy”… <interlude ends>

In your anatomy, the phallus belongs to the spine. It is not a separate organ. It is an extension of the spine.

Your spine starts from the crown of your head and goes all the way down into your phallus.

So when you thrust as you make love, if you thrust with the entirety of your spine, swaying it in unison with the phallus, then the energy of arousal no longer stays stuck in your phallus. It can flow up and down your entire body. If you spread your arms, it can flow out your arms and they turn into wings, calling the grace of God down your strong back and sending it into your woman with every thrust.

Spillage or ejaculation happens when the energy gets trapped in a small zone that cannot hold it. Your phallus, by itself—and the more you practice yanking your member separately from your spine, the more you might create this separation—is too small to hold the power of Eros and so the energy spills out in the form of your seed.

Imagine you are in a gym and I asked you to do some curls. And you picked up a 250g dumbbell—a tiny lil one—placed it on the tip of your forefinger and curled your forefinger up.

Now I put a 5 kg dumbbell there instead. Of course, you are gonna spill it, no? Dumbbells gonna end up on the floor splayed and you sitting there, needing a pause before you can go at it again. Could you do 3 sets of 20 reps each? I doubt it!

Thrusting with just your penis is kinda like that.

It’s like if someone had a sword but only held it at the point right behind the tip, they’d hardly be able to wield it! They could wield a tiny little sword with very little energy in it. But hand them a proper sword and their attempts to thrust it into their opponent, if they held the sword right behind the tip, would be quite weak. All they might be able to do is make little scratchings on the wall of a cave.

But then maybe one day they realized that a sword actually needs to be held by the hilt. They’d be able to make much deeper thrusts and cut down bigger enemies.

In a sense, sex is not unlike a battle. A spiritual battle where the man and woman merge through thrusts and the erotic love that unfurls cuts down all numbness, trauma and the demonic entities that reside therein.

Wield your spine by the hilt. The tip of the spine is your phallus. The hilt is your mind. Absorb this principle into your mind and practice acting in ways that are aligned with the principle while gradually letting go of actions that are misaligned with the principle.

Actions where you treat the phallus as a separate organ from which pleasure can be extracted at your will. Such actions are incomplete, in that they are failing to capture the fullness of your sexual body.

Perhaps the way you typically masturbate, either to porn or otherwise, might need to be updated? It may include other scenarios, where the tip of your sword is telling you what actions to take. Perhaps your erections are leading you to porn or in pursuit of women? Such scenarios conflict with the principle presented.

You see, your cock can signal to your mind who you are attracted to. In fact, such a signal is the strongest signal of base attraction that you can get. I’ll add a provocative segue here aimed at those of us who have been hooked on porn. The kind of woman whose porn you watch is the truest signal of the kind of woman that you are intrinsically attracted to. The secrecy of a pornographic binge gives your cock full freedom to tell you who the cock erects for.

But that’s just a signal. Signals need to be absorbed, not necessarily acted upon. You can merge that signal in with other signals and then choose to act, instead of being compulsively hooked by the tip of your sword.

In that sense, your phallus is just another muscle of your body. Track the ways in which you treat the other muscles of your body compared to the phallus and see if there are any gaps. In the season of my life where I had already started exploring athletic pursuits, but wasn’t yet a competent sex athlete (2016-2024), there were many ways I’d engage with the other muscles of my body—massage, mobility, strengthening using weights, simple caressing and so on—but only a handful of ways I’d engage with my phallus—holding it to pee and yanking it till I spilled.

Perhaps some of you might have heard of or seen videos of yogis being able to lift weights with their phallus—I haven’t quite gotten there but I did incorporate regular phallus massage—gently tugging in different directions and regularly oiling with love and care, en route to becoming a competent sex athlete.

The specifics of your own journey may vary, but play around with this principle and see where your body takes you.

Your body is approximately her body.

There are a lot of similarities in the design of the male and the female bodies. Plenty of differences too, of course—which is what makes exploring each other’s bodies so much fun. But there are a lot of similarities.

Once you acknowledge the approximate equivalence, you might realize that actually you don’t need to be naked with a woman to become a better lover. In fact, being naked with your body is the training field. Being naked with her is the athletic meet.

How you touch yourself—the instincts you have cultivated in how you take care of yourself—will show up when you are touching a woman’s body. That’s why women say they like a man who grooms himself—it signals to them that such a man will be attentive to their own body. Please correct me if I’m off the mark here, ladies.

Armed with this principle, now you embark on a journey to better understand the sensual patterns of your own body.

How do I like to be touched? How sensitive are different parts of my body to touch? What are the varied manners in which I can touch the varied parts of my own body?

Touching and caressing can be a very meditative practice because you are bringing your attention to the point where two physical objects meet.

My finger with the skin under my beard. The back of my knuckle with my ear lobe. The back of my nails with my thigh. And so on.

As I try these various combinations, I’m noticing the quality and texture of sensation at the point of contact. This sensation is, by definition, in the present moment. Thereby, by tuning my attention to track this changing sensation at the point of contact, I’m cultivating my capacity to be present.

As I cultivate such capacity, my mind opens up to both the subtlety and deep range of sensations that my body is capable of. So marvelous.

The more I practice this, the more the false dichotomy of foreplay vs intercourse dissolves.

There is foreplay.
There is intercourse.
There is no foreplay and there is no intercourse.
There is foreplay and there is intercourse.

Now, there is attuned making of good sweet love.

Track how much time you have assigned in your life for the particular flavor of touch that you explore in your regular yanking for spillage routine and perhaps, consider reallocating some of that time to a broader exploration of touch in your own body. With or without oil.

Then when she is naked in front of you, your hands will not just instinctually lunge for her breasts or slap her ass—I’m not shaming either of these acts, they have their place too in a session of making good sweet love—but your hands will be so attuned to the response of her body, that they’ll sense what tool of touch to use when and you yourself can lean back and observe where your hands or your lips or the brush of your beard leads you.