Expression of extreme emotions is honesty. Per axiom 4 (Truth, internal and external, is the way of life), it’s the right thing to do.

Rage is honest. Crying is honest. Euphoria is honest.

I realized this in a conversation with Aaron at the Esalen Institute.

There are perceived societal expectations on the expressions of intense emotions. It’s “improper” to cry in public or burst out in public. This societal constraint arises from the assumption that extreme emotions take longer to subside. This derives from the Egotic permanence of emotions that all of us are used to. In fact, it’s the opposite. Extreme expression of emotions allows them an outlet. They escape through this outlet. It’d be even better to track those extreme emotions that could lead to harm eg. rage before they get extreme. But stifling it once it’s arisen is dishonesty. To yourself. To the people you communicate with. Instead it’s better to find an outlet that won’t harm others.

This extreme expression of emotion also communicates something to the people you interact with. Something that they’re perhaps blind to otherwise. It communicates information. It allows them an opportunity to empathize. To be human.

Stifling extreme emotions doesn’t work either. They get even stronger and eventually find a way out. It’s time efficient to address them and provide an outlet the moment you find one.

Bianca had hosted an event a few weeks ago on ‘Gendered Contradictions’. We discussed expectations that the society has of both genders that you disagree with. My response to that was that I don’t like how men are not supposed to cry. Especially in public. I’ve lived most of my life being blind to my emotions. Till this unhealthy relationship with my gut came to a complete breakdown along with my marriage and work life. Ever since, the emotions have flowed. There was a lot of pain which induced a lot of healing. As I got over the end of a 9 year relationship with someone I still truly care about, there was a lot of crying. Initially, I’d try to wait till I returned home to cry. Then it was finding empty conference rooms or running to bathrooms. Very often in my 1–1s with my then manager, Nick. I feel lucky to have had a manager who handled all the corner case scenarios I threw at him.

Then one time when I was conducting a meditation event at Facebook on an especially hard day, I started crying. Jesse was the only other attendee at that event. His presence was comforting. That was a turning point for me. I saw the futility of trying to hide tears. It’s an immoral waste of time in pursuit of maintaining your Ego. Maintaining this false impression that I’ve got everything under control and nothing in my life that can cause an extreme emotion. Or even if I have an extreme emotion, I don’t express it the way other ‘weaker’ humans do. That notion was comparative and hence Egotic in nature. Since then I have not hesitated crying in public, when I feel emotions bubbling up. Last week, I heard that my grandma had fallen sick. I felt deep sorrow mixed with a lot of guilt for not calling often enough and then some more guilt for not having visited India in 2 years. I started crying at my desk. Funnily enough I was able to work through it and the emotions subsided in a couple of minutes. Impermanence. Anicca.

I had once mentioned to Nick in a 1–1, a trait that my idea of a utopian work culture would possess. One where people cried when they felt like it and everyone else knew that it was no big deal because they also cried when they felt like it. Imagine how much time it’d save that people usually spend hurrying to toilets, or trying to find an empty conference room, not doing work while crying or maintaining low productivity while stifling the emotions so they can go home and cry. All in a futile effort to protect the Ego when it should be whacked at every opportunity you get till it surrenders and succumbs to you.