August 28th 2021 was the first day I asked myself the question – “wait, was I sexually abused as a child?”. Through the rest of that year I was able to gain confirmation and recover a trove of repressed memories. Through Dec, Jan and Feb – I gradually revealed my newfound reality to close family members and friends. Then in Mar 2022, I was ready to come out more openly and I sent an email to all the people I had meaningfully crossed paths with revealing to them this aspect of my identity before opening up fully on all social media platforms.

Why did I do that?

I wanted them to know that a seemingly successful person like me could be an adult survivor. I wanted the Indians to know that this happens in India. I wanted the men to know that this happens to men [1]

More importantly, I felt this overwhelming urge to scream from the top of Mt. Everest to whoever could hear and then scream in the ears of those who couldn’t or wouldn’t.

File image of me on top of Mt. Everest circa March 2022

After having repressed the memories for so long viz. being unable to speak up to my own self let alone anyone else, a side effect of the abuse (amongst many others) was a blockage in my throat. Coming out openly allowed me to heal. Allowed me to express myself freely and not have to hide (and thereby collect more sexual shame) this aspect of my history.

Here is the email I wrote along with an audio of my share to a support group of male adult survivors run by the wonderful angel of a human being – Mike Lew. I’m putting it up on my blog for posterity’s sake.

Hey friends, teachers, family–

I wanted to share an important life update – probably the most significant one of my life. This may come as a huge shock to you and I request kindness and care in any responses you might consider. I'm sharing this because I'm at the stage where I'm ready to talk more openly about this both for my own healing journey and to tackle the subject at a societal scale.

Over the last year, I've gradually encountered suspicion and then fully recovered hitherto completely (100%) repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse. I know now with full certainty that I was repeatedly raped by my grandfather (mom's dad) from age 5-11 and a lot of the challenges I've dealt with in my life were rooted in this trauma – binge eating, adult ADHD, "boredom", sexual/relationship challenges/divorce etc. What was driving me towards "spiritual truth", over the past 5y, was basically the subconscious desire to uncover the biggest secret that my own psyche hid from me to protect me when the abuse was happening – that's how repressed memories work, which are the most stunningly wild piece of the human consciousness that I have directly experienced. The technical term for someone who goes through this is "adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse" and that is now the most significant part of my identity.

I've already shared this with some of you to varying details (thankful that I was able to) and am sharing this with the rest not for seeking support (thankfully been able to find sufficient able support) but just so you know me better. If you haven't interacted with an adult survivor of CSA before, you might find yourself confused around how to respond. In case you find yourself in that place while also simultaneously wanting to say something in response, I invite some variant of "I'm so sorry this was done to your child self. You did not deserve it." – I can't hear/read enough of that. If you have an urge to investigate and interrogate the validity of what I've shared, I request that you refrain from responding. The general rule of thumb I request here is – don't say something you wouldn't say to a 5y old who walked up to you after being abused.

I'm sharing this with you because you have been an important part of my life (irrespective of the level of our connection right now) and it felt better that you find out directly through me than indirectly through gossip networks or online networks. I'm also including a 1h audio version of me sharing my fuller story with a men's adult survivors of CSA support group in case you are curious to learn more (please don't reshare the file).

Here is a tweetstorm where I go into detail about a part of the journey.

Thankfully, I have all the support I need and have been gradually working on integrating this self-discovery since August last year so I'm not requesting any support for now – just feels good to talk about it openly.

With love,

Vighnesh

p.s.: If I come up in any conversation you are having with a mutual friend and this mutual friend doesn't know of this update and you feel that they should know, please let me know who they are so I can let them know myself.

If there are other adult survivors you'd like to connect me with, please reach out and check in with me – usually I feel very open to connecting with others having a similar history.

I sent this email to over 120 people. I received 20-ish responses. It felt SO good and healing to have it be out in the open.

In the email I mention an audio file. Here it is.

You are welcome to forward it to whoever you’d like. In the email, I also requested that you let me know before talking about this aspect of my history with mutual friends. My updated request is that you actually share it with how-so-ever-many people you feel comfortable sharing with.

If you ​are an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse and need help in coming out, I’m available for support at [email protected]. You also have my permission to repurpose this email however you like.

I am contemplating creating a podcast to document stories of adult survivors. When I first had my suspicions, I really struggled thinking that “such things” did not happen to men, nor did they happen in India. Since then I have learnt that boys actually make for fairly easy targets because they are quite effeminate pre-puberty and because of the common misconception that boys don’t get raped. (One of the first things my mom said to me when I told her my suspicion was – “I was careful about your sister but it did not even cross my mind that something like this could happen with you.” Go easy on her, she tried her best. And kudos to her for not lying from a place of shame.) And that India with its culture of repressed sexuality and lack of education and conversation about sexuality actually makes for fertile grounds for propagation of childhood sexual abuse.

Over time and after reading many horrific stories (I’m a regular at r/adultsurvivors as chinggiskhan), I have come to the dry, dark conclusion that if there is one thing that unites all races and economic classes in today’s age, it is the sexual abuse of children.

I want this podcast series to be available to any human who might be at that critical juncture in their healing journey. I want them to be able to easily find a relatable voice (similar ethnicity, gender, perpetrator relationship) who is sharing their journey and is presenting a light at the end of the tunnel. If you are an adult survivor who’d like to contribute your story (you get to choose your level of anonymity), please reach out at [email protected]